Docs told me exact chances I’d die. I wasn’t scared until they said what I had to do to stay alive, says Jeremy Clarkson

LAST week, doctors announced that the arteries feeding my bosom were similar thing you’d find hanging from the extortion of a cave successful the Peak ­District and that I needed highly urgent surgery.

You mightiness ideate this was each precise scary but honestly, it wasn’t.

The doctors were skilled professionals and they had each the tools they’d need, truthful during the process I was truthful relaxed that astatine 1 point, I nodded off.

I felt similar a car. My substance lines had go each clogged up and they were mending them. Easy.

Sure, they said determination was a 5 per cent accidental that my bosom would halt but there’s a 5 per cent accidental I’ll beryllium eaten by a lion this day and I’m not disquieted astir that.

What is scary though is what came ­afterwards. The proposal connected however I indispensable unrecorded my beingness from present on.

Literally, I americium not allowed to person amusive immoderate more. I indispensable unrecorded successful a ­Liberal ­Democrat, holier-than-though fog of weeds, seeds and yoga. This is terrifying.

And if I spell to a party, I indispensable basal successful a corner, nursing immoderate refreshing elderflower juice, earlier going location astatine astir 9.30. That’s ­terrifying too.

Then there’s my work, which I love. I similar it truthful overmuch successful fact, I presently person 10 jobs. I honestly marque Elon Musk look similar a slacker.

I constitute 3 paper columns a week, I person a brewery, a pub, a shop, I big Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?, tally a farm, marque a tv amusement astir that and this week, my latest publication came out.

“Yes well, a batch of that volition person to go” said the doctor.

“And what would I regenerate it with? “Golf’s good”, helium ­suggested.

No, it isn’t.

What bash radical bash erstwhile they halt work?

It wouldn’t beryllium truthful atrocious if I had a hobby but I’ve ever thought that hobbies are for radical who were caught playing with themselves by their mothers erstwhile they were younger. “Stop doing that and get a hobby.”

I wasn’t, and that’s wherefore I don’t marque Airfix models oregon play the piano.

Which means that if I didn’t work, I’d conscionable beryllium astatine location each day, rotting.

The worst occupation though is diet. To chopped my alarmingly precocious levels of cholesterol, I request to chopped out, completely, ­everything I similar eating.

Bacon, sausages, beef, lamb, pork, butter, chips, due milk, Cadbury’s effect and seed bars and the absorbing spot successful an egg.

I’ve had a week present to unrecorded successful the caller authorities and it’s horrific.

Have you ever tried kale? Well, don’t, due to the fact that it’s similar eating the contents of a AAA battery.

And past there’s Greek yoghurt. What’s that each about?

I’ve suspected for immoderate clip that yoghurt is made from the food recovered successful a stateless person’s ­genitals, and present I cognize this is so.

It’s disgusting.

High connected my ain supply

But it’s not arsenic atrocious arsenic almond milk. Which a) isn’t beverage and b) tastes similar ­liquefied marzipan. Which is the lone foodstuff worse than Greek yoghurt.

Booze? Technically, this isn’t needfully precocious successful cholesterol, but it does marque you abdominous truthful that has to spell too. All of it.

So, I ain a brewery and pub and astatine the shop, a butcher’s counter.

Yum yum.

Except now, I tin nary longer get precocious connected my ain supply.

Instead I person to bargain my “food” from immoderate benignant of wholefood store that sells thing but South African nuclear-free bid beans.

We indispensable present determination connected to the question of exercise.

I’ve ever seen this is thing you bash erstwhile travelling from the car to the pub, oregon from the luncheon array to the sitting room.

But apparently, erstwhile I’ve rec­overed from the operation, I indispensable bash more.

I indispensable adjacent spell connected the benignant of “walk” wherever I extremity up backmost wherever I started. What’s the constituent of that?

And I indispensable prime things up with the sole purpose of putting them down again.

I’m besides encouraged to beryllium up, utilizing thing but my tummy muscles.

And why? So I tin prevarication down past repetition the process, implicit and implicit again until I’m exhausted.

Of course, you whitethorn good reason that I had it coming, that the wonkiness of my arteries is each my responsibility and that I shouldn’t moan.

And you bash person a point.

The occupation is that I spot the acquisition of beingness arsenic being astir the aforesaid arsenic the acquisition of, let’s say, a cardinal pounds.

Some radical would put this wealth and unrecorded cautiously and parsimoniously connected the interest.

I wouldn’t, and so I didn’t. I ­grabbed the acquisition by the scruff of its cervix and went berserk.

Blizzard of hangovers

I wanted to spot each state successful the world, and person a Ferrari and ever beryllium the past to permission a enactment and ne'er accidental nary to thing that sounded exciting.

Not galore radical person dropped a laser-guided weaponry from an F-15 combatant bomber. But I have.

I lived successful a blizzard of hangovers and pitchy lag for 30 years.

Smoking? Yup. Started astatine 14 and became a satellite champion, sucking down sixty Marlboro Reds a day.

Drink? Big time. When doctors asked however overmuch I was putting distant each day, I’d archer them straight.

“Three oregon 4 pints.” They’d beryllium reasonably blessed with that, till I added: “Of wine.”

I ever knew this manner wasn’t going to origin maine to unrecorded to 112, and I didn’t truly care.

Because wherefore contradict yourself each that amusive successful your thirties and forties and adjacent ­fifties conscionable truthful you tin person arsenic agelong arsenic imaginable with a grey look and a conduit up your chemoreceptor successful an aged people’s home?

Here’s the thing, though. I’m present 64 and past week, erstwhile the Grim Reaper poked his chemoreceptor circular the door, I decided that actually, I rather fancied surviving a small spot longer.

I privation to spot my grandchildren turn up. I saw the dawn this greeting and it was magnificent, truthful I’d rather similar to spot a fewer much of those too. Also, I inactive privation to sojourn the Galapagos Islands.

To execute each this, I indispensable unrecorded connected h2o and steamed fish, and exercise.

But it’s going to beryllium my eleventh job. Not dying. Of course, determination volition beryllium those who accidental I should person started connected this caller vocation way earlier.

They person a point, but for 1 thing.

If you privation to debar spending the past fewer years of your beingness successful a festival of boredom and denial, you indispensable commencement the festival erstwhile you’re astir 32.

And I can’t spot the constituent of that. Living a agelong beingness of misery to debar a abbreviated spot of misery astatine the end.

My proposal past is to support your ft hard down until you tally retired of fuel. And that’s erstwhile you bargain the Tesla Lib Dem lifestyle.

When you nary longer person a choice.

In short, je ne regrette rien.