Emotional Gok Wan admits he 'wants to scream' over loss of friend

TV manner guru Gok Wan has opened up astir his grief pursuing the decease of his champion friend, Allison Gordon Parry to signifier 4 bosom crab earlier this year

In a heart-to-heart with Gok Wan, it's casual to spot wherefore he's 1 of the nation's favourite TV personalities. The 50 twelvemonth aged manner expert, DJ and presenter is known for his candidness – whether sharing a light-hearted communicative oregon a poignant story, you tin ever number connected him to talk from the heart. This time, however, the taxable is simply a hard one. In May, Gok lost his champion friend, Allison Gordon Parry, who had been battling signifier 4 bosom crab for galore years.

As helium discusses it, helium wipes distant a teardrop and apologises for being "so bloody emotional". But this lone highlights the heavy enslaved betwixt 2 radical who genuinely cherished each other. Gok confesses his choler astatine crab for taking Ali excessively soon. Now, he's channeling his grief into thing affirmative with the forthcoming merchandise of foundation azygous Deeper Love (A Tribute To Allison), with each profits going to Macmillan Cancer Support. Here, the This Morning manner adept opens up successful an exclusive chat with OK! astir dealing with loss, turning 50 - and wherefore his beloved Ali volition everlastingly stay adjacent to his heart...

Gok, however are you doing?

Losing household members erstwhile they’re aged is sad, but it’s antithetic to losing idiosyncratic earlier their time. It’s unexpected and it’s made maine measure mortality. But it besides fired thing up successful me. I’m astir apt naughtier, much outrageous and louder than ever. But I’m utterly heartbroken I’ve mislaid her. I teardrop up reasoning astir her. I inactive speech to her.

What was Ali like?

Ali was and ever volition beryllium my champion friend. We met implicit a decennary agone successful Australia. She was manager for a marque I was the look of and we deed it disconnected instantly. It was a emotion affair. We ever said she was my woman and I was her husband. It was that benignant of narration – conscionable without the sex! We liked the aforesaid music, shared a akin consciousness of humour, ethics. She’s the idiosyncratic I’d tally to erstwhile I needed advice, a outcry oregon a laugh.

It indispensable person been unspeakable to find retired she had cancer…

Devastating. She was diagnosed with signifier 4 bosom crab astir 7 years ago. It each started successful my car 1 day, driving to panto. I was astir to get connected signifier dressed arsenic a fairy, jumping astir entertaining kids, erstwhile she said, “I’ve got a lump.” I said, “It’s fine, it’s going to beryllium a cyst!” We made lewd jokes astir it. Turns out, it wasn’t good and her crab travel began.

Did you get a tattoo successful her honour?

I got a few. I got a small “A” down my receptor portion she was alive. We spoke precise candidly astir the time she would spell and what would hap after. I said I’d enactment her adjacent to my ear, truthful I’d ever perceive her. And God, she utilized to talk… Then I got a effect instrumentality with a small melon and her initials AGP connected it aft she died. The past speech we had, I said you person to committedness maine 2 things erstwhile you’re successful the afterlife – first, you’ll ne'er ticker maine person sex. Second, you ever request to bring maine luck!

Tell america astir the foundation azygous you’re releasing...

Ali loved euphony and came to parties with maine erstwhile I was DJing. She’d get connected signifier and sing with me. So erstwhile she passed, I decided this wasn’t going to beryllium successful vain – we’re going to proceed to assistance people. Ali had me, a large family. The devastating world is, galore radical spell done this without immoderate support. This is wherever the tears subside and the joyousness comes successful – I’m similar a canine with a bony with this track! I’m going to rise truthful overmuch wealth for Macmillan.

How important was it that each profits spell to Macmillan?

They bash astonishing enactment and don’t person capable money, truthful let’s assistance them. The wealth we rise from this azygous is going to assistance alteration people’s lives. I cognize aged twat look up determination is looking down and laughing, reasoning this is perfectly what should happen.

Ali passed successful May. How person you been since?

Grief does get easier. Initially, it was reaching for the telephone to telephone her [she had to determination backmost to Australia for treatment]. Because of the clip difference, I’d speech to her each azygous time erstwhile I woke up oregon was going to bed. But moving connected this azygous is similar therapy for me. It’s proactive and determination for my choler to go.

Is determination a batch of anger?

Oh, I hatred crab with each particle of my body. It devastates lives each azygous day. If someone’s a full b*****d, you tin spell up to them and say, “You’re a f****r.” But there’s a helplessness. I’ve got cipher to shriek at. That choler lives wrong you, truthful I conjecture I’m trying to crook it into affirmative energy, due to the fact that it’s overwhelming. I cognize I can’t halt cancer, but I tin effort and assistance radical going done this.

You turned 50 recently. How did you attack that?

Losing her and turning 50 successful the aforesaid year… I’ve spent my full beingness looking forwards – the adjacent project, the adjacent party. I’ve started looking backwards, astatine past relationships, experiences. I was blinded by ambition for years, by atrocious imposter syndrome. That’s gone. I’m connected the support now, and rather comfy there.

You’re the caller co-host of Magic Radio Breakfast...

Yes, they asked maine to screen for Ronan Keating, who’d been determination for 7 years. I’d ne'er done vigor but I fell successful love. It’s amusive and fast. I raved astir it truthful overmuch I deliberation I subliminally forced them to springiness maine the job! I’ve been determination a fewer months uncovering my feet, past
I commencement due successful January – getting up astatine 4am!

Ouch. How are you with aboriginal starts?

I similar being awake aboriginal and talking a lot, truthful that doesn’t fuss me! But it’s knackering. You decorativeness astatine 10am, spell off, bash TV, fashion, whatever, past I’m DJing astatine weekends. It’s been a challenge, but I emotion it.

Gok Wan and House Gospel Choir Deeper Love is retired 13 December. Pre-order from gokwan.lnk.to/ DeeperLove, raising funds for Macmillian. See macmillan.org.uk