GREG GUTFELD: Maybe these late-night losers will stop thinking the world is ending

So, a Republican has won an election, and you cognize what that means. Jimmy Carter has to enactment live for 4 much years. It's besides clip for liberals to archer themselves that they're inactive close astir everything and their hysteria and delusions of persecution are perfectly normal. 

Yet, close now, they're melting similar that instrumentality of food Joy Behar keeps betwixt her thighs to forestall chafing. Case successful point, past night, each the different late-night hosts threw a hissy fit. It's too atrocious Tim Walz is inactive grieving oregon helium could nonstop them each a sack of concern spot tampons. Poor Jimmy. True, it was a unspeakable nighttime for women, children and for the hundreds of thousands of hard-working immigrants who chopped his lawn. 

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JIMMY KIMMEL: It was a unspeakable nighttime for women, for children, for the hundreds of thousands of hardworking immigrants who marque this state go. For healthcare, for our climate, for science, for journalism, for justice, for escaped speech. It was a unspeakable nighttime for mediocre people, for the mediate class, for seniors who trust connected Social Security. For our allies successful Ukraine, for NATO, for the truth. And ideology and decency. And it was a unspeakable nighttime for everyone who voted against him. And conjecture what? It was a atrocious nighttime for everyone who voted for him, too. You conscionable don't recognize it yet. 

You cognize what? If I ever outcry connected TV, it'll beryllium due to the fact that Maroon 5 enactment retired a caller song. But that's it ya large ****. Now, retrieve erstwhile Johnny Carson cried similar a babe implicit Ronald Reagan getting elected? Yeah, neither bash I. And you cognize wherefore helium didn't? Because his woman didn't support his balls successful a Tupperware instrumentality adjacent to a container of tofu burgers. But the slayer operation was astatine the extremity when Kimmel said, "You conscionable don't recognize it." Because you see, he's smarter than you and helium needs you to cognize that. And his ego can't carnivore that there's idiosyncratic retired determination much celebrated and much influential than him. I got quality for you, Kimmel. The past clip you mattered, Bruce Jenner inactive had a penis.

I emotion you, Bruce. 

Caitlyn Jenner arrives astatine the 2016 Vanity Fair Oscar Party Hosted By Graydon Carter astatine Wallis Annenberg Center for the Performing Arts connected February 28, 2016 successful Beverly Hills, California. (John Shearer/Getty Images)

Jimmy's vocation peaked with busty girls connected trampolines. Now the lone boob we spot is him. He erstwhile co-hosted the Man show. Now he's sobbing similar helium conscionable watched Steel Magnolias 3 days into his menstrual cycle. Here's different morose multimillionaire.

STEPHEN COLBERT: Hey there. How are you doing? If you ticker the amusement regularly, I'm guessing you're not doing great. Yeah, maine neither.

You're not doing great? You're filthy affluent and wholly immune from the crap you propulsion connected everyone else. By the way, I'm really doing fine, Stephen. Other than the 48-hour erection I've had since they called Pennsylvania, I'm feeling nary pain, bro. 

But, Stephen, person you tried possibly conscionable getting implicit yourself? You've been bashing Trump for 8 years, and each you've done is assistance enactment him backmost successful power. After being incorrect astir thing each time and nighttime for 8 years, you mightiness see trying thing new, like, I don't know, comedy. But astatine slightest Seth Meyers reveals the root of his anguish -- relevance. Trump has it. He doesn't.

SETH MEYERS: We unrecorded successful an infinite clip warp wherever Donald Trump has ever been and volition ever beryllium the halfway of the universe. There tin beryllium nary escape. All hail our almighty and benevolent ultimate leader.

Hmmm, oregon however astir you conscionable bash your dumb small drama amusement and halt acting similar you tried to prevention the world, but we were excessively ungrateful to perceive to your brilliance. NBC's late-night amusement utilized to beryllium wacky precocious jinks until Seth turned it into an hr with your cheery therapist. So these fellows are experiencing heavy intelligence pain. And it's not conscionable them. Journalists are present offering tips to woody with their disappointment, frustration, adjacent fear. And I get it. That's mean aft immoderate loss. 

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I'm inactive huffy astir losing World's Sexiest Man to Johnny Depp. But wherefore would radical consciousness fear? Maybe due to the fact that they're lone quality sources are perpetually telling them Trump's going to crook America into Nazi Germany. But you cognize who felt existent fearfulness during the Biden administration? People who had to thrust the subway oregon person to bargain groceries oregon anybody who wants to bang a chick who doesn't person testicles. That's a batch of people. But now, adjacent Kamala admits everything's going to beryllium fine. So overmuch for Trump being Hitler. Turns retired she was lying the full time. They each were. 

Still, CBS gave useful tips for coping with loss. CNN recommends taking heavy breaths, agelong walks. And please, don't suppress your emotions. Usually erstwhile they outcry this much, they're sharing an elevator with Brian Stelter connected Taco Tuesday. And so, the media is giving you solutions to the problems they caused. 

After all, who generated each the anxiousness by promising the apocalypse if Trump won? They did. It's similar clime hysteria. They bang the drum connected it capable and past kids came down with clime stress. 

Look astatine Kimmel and Colbert, they're f*** wrecks due to the fact that they judge the media. And yet, we're good due to the fact that we weren't brainwashed. We cognize the media's job is to prevarication to make anxiousness retired of proportionality to the existent menace oregon nary menace astatine all. 

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Journalists truly lone request to springiness you 1 extremity to negociate accent and that's halt paying attraction to journalists. Maybe these late-night losers volition halt reasoning that the satellite is ending due to the fact that we cognize nether Trump it's truly conscionable beginning.