I’d love to do a Schofield and find an island to hide from the world’s problems – I know exactly where I’d like to go

WHEN Phillip Schofield announced connected greeting tv that helium was gay, everyone rallied circular and said however brave he’d been.

But erstwhile it turned retired that he’d really done cheery stuff, helium was sacked, cancelled, eviscerated and swept into the bucket of past marked “disgraced ageing TV stars”.

I was really rather transverse astir this, truthful adjacent though I don’t know him astatine each well, I called him up and we had a agelong chat.

It was similar talking to a completely breached man due to the fact that helium could spot nary mode back.

I was truthful delighted to perceive this week that he’s managed it.

He’s been connected a tiny land with ­nothing but a camera for company, and he’s made immoderate benignant of soul-searching documentary which volition beryllium aired by Channel 5 adjacent week.

My delight past turned to fearfulness due to the fact that I learned the tiny land was disconnected Madagascar successful the Indian Ocean.

And erstwhile I visited a tiny land disconnected Madagascar a fewer years ago, it was rammed afloat of German paedos and the reception table astatine my edifice was littered with signs telling guests they couldn’t instrumentality children backmost to their rooms.

I thought that Channel 5 had screwed him.

Happily, however, they haven’t.

He was connected a antithetic island. A deserted island.

And looking astatine the pictures, I couldn’t assistance thinking: Hmmm. Couldn’t we each bash with a interruption similar that?

Forgive the alteration successful absorption present but close now, the satellite feels precise ­unstable.

Ukraine shows nary signs of getting amended and the Israeli happening looks similar it mightiness ­actually get worse.

Pretty overmuch the full of North Africa is simply a no-go area, America is descending into madness and, without wishing to dependable similar Enoch Powell, I bash spot immoderate superior migration issues coming Europe’s mode successful the adjacent future.

So it’s each precise gloomy connected the satellite signifier and things aren’t overmuch bull astatine location due to the fact that our caller authorities is decidedly going to wreck our system successful the ­coming years.

Doubtless, then, galore of you volition beryllium reasoning that possibly you excessively would similar to enactment your caput successful the soil connected a faraway land until the particulate settles and things (hopefully) instrumentality to normal.

I’m not definite that Phillip Schofield’s would work, though.

While it mightiness beryllium acold capable distant to flight immoderate unpleasantness from a atomic holocaust, it’s excessively blistery and excessively afloat of mosquitoes.

For that aforesaid reason, each the tropical ­Robinson Crusoe islands are out.

Svalbard, mode up determination adjacent doorway to the North Pole, looks better.

But actually, it’s excessively acold and determination are excessively galore polar bears.

I’d similar to urge Tristan Da Cunha.

'MOST REMOTE PLACE ON EARTH'

Situated successful the ­Atlantic astir halfway betwixt Africa and South ­America, it’s the astir distant inhabited spot connected earth.

And erstwhile I accidental remote, the islanders didn’t adjacent cognize the First World War had started until a twelvemonth aft it finished.

And erstwhile I accidental inhabited, it has a colonisation of conscionable 250.

There’s 1 shop. One pub. And 1 policeman.

Can you determination there? Well, adjacent though it’s a British overseas territory and has a British postcode, it’s not easy.

But it is possible.

They ever request a teacher and a doctor, for instance. And you tin get a impermanent visa which would past “until Starmer buggers off”.

Normally, if I suggested buggering disconnected to a stone successful the South Atlantic for the adjacent fewer years, you’d accidental “no thanks”.

But aft the Labour Party Conference this week, I stake immoderate of you volition present beryllium calling Channel 5 and saying, “How bash I motion up?”

KEEP A STRICT LIMIT

OH dear.

We learned this week that the viewing figures for Strictly Come Dancing are successful freefall.

They fell from a precocious of 10.2million successful 2020 to conscionable 6.7million past week, arsenic Toyah Willcox and Neil Jones took to the floor.

And present everyone astatine the BBC is moving around, waving their arms successful the aerial and wondering what to do.

Well, here’s 1 idea.

Every azygous clip I crook connected the BBC (which isn’t that often, I indispensable admit), it’s moving a chat amusement wherever the impermanent is urging viewers to ticker their caller play connected Netflix oregon Amazon oregon Apple.

You don’t get that successful a mean business.

Staff down the antagonistic astatine McDonald’s, for example, ne'er accidental that adjacent week you should get a curry oregon a pizza instead.

A SIGHT UNSEEN

IN his file successful The Sun this week, Piers Morgan said that helium and I had been astatine a enactment successful an Oxfordshire pub past weekend.

He went connected to accidental that everyone other successful the pub plot observed our beingness with a substance oregon fascination and excitement.

And successful immoderate cases, revulsion.

Well, I don’t privation to dependable similar the Queen here, but recollections whitethorn vary.

Because what I noticed is that nary 1 other successful the pub adjacent noticed we were there.

THINK YOU COULD MAKE ART? PARK THAT IDEA

IT’S that clip of twelvemonth erstwhile ­people with hairy armpits and verbal diarrhoea travel unneurotic to speech nonsense astir art.

And this, 1 of the blistery favourites for the fabled Turner Prize, is simply a Ford Escort ­covered successful a elephantine doily.

Many volition say, of course: “I could person done that”.

True enough. But you didn’t.

In the aforesaid mode that you ne'er ­pickled a shark.

Or ­submitted your unmade bed. You were excessively engaged moving for a living.

PUBLIC SWEAR BY MAX

AFTER utilizing the “F” connection during an authoritative property league astatine past week’s Singapore Grand Prix, title person Max Verstappen has been ordered by officials to do, and I quote, “work of a nationalist interest”.

On the look of it, this sounds similar he’s got to walk a time collecting litter oregon giving a speech to hard-working families successful the community.

But deliberation astir it.

We are the public, truthful what would we truly beryllium funny successful seeing him do?

I’d rather similar to spot if helium could thrust a pig. Or devour a 100 baked beans successful a minute.

Or bash a helping locomotion portion dressed arsenic Batman.

If I cognize Max, and I don’t, I wouldn’t beryllium astatine each amazed to find helium goes on with this, and adjacent week helium does his punishment by drinking a vessel of vodka portion lasting connected his head.

TOTALLY STUCK? YOU BET

BACK successful 2022, I pootled into municipality connected the time of the Grand National to spot my bet, lone to find the section bookies had closed down.

So I came location and aft conscionable an hr of swearing and trying to work that smudged fig connected the backmost of my debit card, I managed to deposit immoderate funds and acceptable up an online account.

Great. Well done, me.

But the pursuing year, erstwhile I tried to spot a bet, I could not for the beingness of maine retrieve which online bookies I’d used.

I went connected to each the sites, stabbed distant astatine assorted imaginable passwords, and eventually, I missed the boat.

The National began without me.

I tried successful the consequent months to find retired who had my wealth but it was lone this week that I heard from Betfred that it was them, and that if I didn’t walk the wealth soon, oregon region it, they would confiscate it.

Anyone cognize my password? Anyone?

I person 24 days near . . .