I got so drunk I've had miserable sex with a rough stranger then passed out in his bed. I'm sure I didn't say yes to it - which is why we MUST teach women alcohol can leave them horribly vulnerable: KATE SPICER

I bumped into immoderate friends that morning. They teased me, the information I'd had a one-night basal was obvious, and I brazened it out, laughing with them.

Yes, I was doing the 'walk of shame', a operation that suggests a mildly embarrassed greeting swagger aft a amusive nighttime of sex. I felt nary of that.

I tried to locomotion beardown and proud, with my caput up successful my Gucci heels and a tight, white, borrowed and present alternatively grubby, decorator dress. But, successful fact, I felt a wretched premix of horrible shame, stinging regret and carnal discomfort. Plus a burning hatred for the antheral I had conscionable spent the nighttime with.

Drunk, I had miserably allowed a antheral to astir unit maine to bash what helium wanted. I'm beauteous definite helium registered my dull and mechanical deficiency of enjoyment. Perhaps my discomfort energised him. It was horrible but it remained, I indispensable grudgingly acknowledge, technically consensual.

When I passed retired successful his bed, it was due to the fact that I was excessively miserable and knackered to spell home. I woke up hours aboriginal to him having enactment with me. This time, nary consent. Unless the information that I was successful his furniture implied to him helium could bash what helium wanted with my body. In law, this looked much similar assault.

I removed myself and dressed successful silence, nauseatingly hungover, fumbling unsocial to propulsion up the zip that went each the mode down that beauteous dress. He said nothing. What a whirlwind of utter misery the full lawsuit was. It's not enjoyable to recall this. I don't deliberation I'd ever attraction to sermon it publically were it not for 2 things.

First was proceeding the histrion Emily Atack describing her ain gamut of drunken – and arsenic she present sees it, transgression – intersexual encounters, connected a podcast called Great Company.

'I went done beingness reasoning if you aftermath up aft a nighttime retired and thing has happened but you don't truly retrieve it, you conscionable person to suck it up.

'I've woken up truthful galore times and been like, 'I decidedly didn't accidental yes to that.' We're taught that was normal. Now we're each having the speech more, and radical are coming retired and going, 'Oh right, well, I was raped then.' '

Now 34, and blissfully blessed with idiosyncratic fellow Alistair Garner and their babe son, Atack's acquisition is borne retired by authorities rape information that shows 11.3 per cent of girls betwixt 16 and 19 person experienced immoderate signifier of intersexual assault. Reflecting connected her youth, the Rivals histrion said she 'can lone number connected 1 manus [the times] I've really enjoyed sex'.

'As a teen determination were nary barriers, nary boundaries. Boys didn't cognize however to beryllium with girls, girls didn't cognize however to woody with those situations.'

Which is my 2nd crushed to stock specified an uncomfortable representation of my younger self. I don't privation the younger procreation – my nieces, god-daughters, my friends' daughters, immoderate young pistillate – to marque the mistakes I did.

The thought that they might, oregon whitethorn already have, breaks my heart. I don't deliberation it's an utmost happening to accidental that non-violent rape is rather the rite of transition for a woman.

The lone idiosyncratic I blamed connected that time was myself. It was the mid-2000s and I was successful my mid-30s. I'd gone to a enactment wherever a antheral I'd been seeing had alternatively painfully spurned maine by turning up with different woman, and feeling bittersweet and vulnerable, I'd fto myself spell location with idiosyncratic other I had nary involvement in.

'I was known arsenic a confident, sassy, palmy writer, and that's the representation I projected that night, adjacent arsenic I drank excessively much. But the information is, I wasn't seduced – I'd submitted.

That nighttime successful Chelsea was not my lone unpleasant, uncomfortable intersexual experience. What I tin archer you for definite is that the disinhibiting cause of intoxicant was regularly contiguous successful them all.

Indeed, it's a origin that shows up successful 50-75 per cent of each intersexual assaults, according to the data.

And what those figures mean, sadly but inevitably, is that we person to archer our daughters that intoxication and men tin beryllium a precise unsafe combination, successful overmuch the aforesaid mode we pass radical not to portion and drive.

This is precise overmuch not to marque women liable for what men do, but to beryllium applicable and realistic astir the concern arsenic it is now.

Atack feels powerfully astir it excessively – and wants to alteration that concern arsenic the look of a run to overhaul the consent laws successful Britain. 'Consent, oregon the deficiency of it, is astatine the bosom of truthful overmuch intersexual harassment and unit that women and girls experience, yet the existent instrumentality inactive fails to support those who don't accidental the connection 'No' outright,' she says.

'Make things elemental – lone a 'Yes' should mean 'Yes'.'

This is what's known arsenic affirmative consent: enactment without this signifier of consent is rape successful Spain, Sweden and Denmark. 'A communal rape story is that survivors who were inebriated astatine the clip of the battle were someway liable oregon 'asking for it',' says Dr Charlotte Proudman, a KC and starring dependable successful the run to alteration the law.

'We judge what's called 'affirmative consent' – emphasising clear, enthusiastic statement – tin assistance combat these harmful assumptions by reinforcing that deficiency of absorption oregon an impaired authorities ne'er implies consent and should ne'er beryllium accepted arsenic specified successful a tribunal of justice,' she says.

Writing this piece, I formed my nett wide to inquire if anyone other had experienced this. The responses came successful heavy and accelerated from women my property who had conscionable unopen up and enactment up with men helping themselves erstwhile they were retired of it.

'I knew past that it was wrong,' said one. 'I liked the guy. So I wasn't upset precisely – conscionable bothered. And I continued to beryllium bothered. It was lone years aboriginal I watched I May Destroy You [Michaela Coel's superb BBC bid astir a pistillate coming to presumption with being raped portion drunk] that I realised what had happened to me. It was rape.'

The Sexual Offences Act 2003 states that individuals cannot legally consent if they are incapacitated by intoxicant oregon drugs to the constituent wherever they cannot marque a rational decision, truthful you'd deliberation it's already written into law. But it's not. 

The problem, says Proudman, is: 'The acceptance of the implied consent model, which assumes consent tin beryllium 'inferred' from non-verbal cues oregon a deficiency of resistance.' What the instrumentality doesn't accidental is that 'yes' has to beryllium intelligibly said and meant.

The stories kept connected coming and from the astir unexpected sources. A palmy and present elder pistillate successful concern told maine she woke 1 nighttime to find herself being anally penetrated by a antheral she knew, who had travel location with her.

She said she wanted to talk up not conscionable for herself but for each the different women it could hap to – but couldn't look a azygous signifier of the process. 'I didn't adjacent face him.'

My procreation mightiness consciousness regret, possibly anger, but determination is nary inclination to study a humanities crime. Events similar these – rapes similar these – were portion of mean life.

I retrieve mentioning what happened to maine to a antheral person astatine the clip and him saying: 'If a girl's successful your bed, she's up for it.' That's different 'rape myth'. But what we truly don't privation is to spot our daughters doing what we did.

'Like a batch of teens, my girl Lara went done a signifier of getting truly drunk and falling over,' says Beth. 'I was beauteous angry. I didn't accidental this to scare her, but I told her she had to omniscient up, that getting that p***ed is dangerous, arsenic I knew lone excessively well.

'When I was staying successful a backpacking hostel successful Greece, I got blackout drunk and woke up successful an chartless furniture with nary bottoms on. When I went to get my passport from my reception, I saw my knickers pinned to the partition down the counter.'

One parent recalled an experience, aged 19, with her boss. Asked to articulation his drinking enactment aft work, she felt excited and privileged. By the extremity of the night, however, she was excessively drunk to springiness meaningful consent to the enactment helium wanted – and aboriginal realised she'd fundamentally been assaulted.

'My daughters cognize not each men person bully intentions. I've been precise wide with some them, and my son, that consent is ace important and is not ambiguous.'

Every 40 oregon 50-something pistillate I spoke to described the experiences they'd shrugged off, albeit miserably, arsenic adding a furniture of urgency to their request to support their daughters. And so their sons, who request to cognize precisely wherever boundaries lie.

Among my friends is thirty-something Tina who had been a occupation drinker successful the past, but managed to quit. She started drinking heavy again a fewer years ago, egged connected by an admirer – known to her – who doubly got her horribly smashed portion drinking thing himself. Twice, she woke to find herself bare from the waist down, and wide signs he'd had penetrative enactment with her.

Formal complaints of rape to the constabulary are rare. However, Tina did study the crime, and underwent each the indignity of the examinations.

They were supportive; she felt believed. 'But they really said to me, 'Unless you were pulled into an alley astatine weapon constituent and the rape is connected CCTV, it's ever your connection against his.'

'What that means is adjacent if you spell to the infirmary oregon constabulary close away, and get a swab done that shows the beingness of semen and abrasions, it's inactive adjacent to intolerable to beryllium it was rape arsenic the different idiosyncratic tin ever assertion that the enactment was consensual.'

Tina gave up drinking and dilatory acceptable astir putting her beingness backmost together, but she did not get immoderate benignant of justice.

In the past fewer years, pursuing thing called the Rape Review, the constabulary attack has started to change. Chief Constable Sarah Crew is pb for Adult Sexual Offences astatine the National Police Chiefs' Council, and oversees Operation Soteria, which has switched the absorption to perpetrators' behaviour alternatively than the victims.

'We person seen encouraging improvements successful the past 2 and a fractional years nether Soteria… [where] intoxication is not seen arsenic a obstruction to prosecution,' she says. 'Rather the constabulary attack would beryllium to trust connected the

intoxication arsenic grounds that consent was not given.'

This extremist taste displacement successful the mode constabulary forces presumption battle investigations was called a 'game changer' by the autarkic assemblage that assesses its effectiveness.

But is it, really? Only 10 per cent of intersexual battle crimes are ever reported to constabulary oregon so enactment services. When we bash spell to the police, the process is truthful brutal, little than fractional of rape and intersexual battle survivors successful England and Wales accidental they would study their transgression again, according to a survey published this period by City St George's University connected behalf of Operation Soteria.

According to ONS figures, 194,400 intersexual offences were reported to constabulary successful the twelvemonth up to June this year, with 36 per cent of them rapes. Charges person been brought successful 2.7 per cent of the rape cases, which means less than 2,000.

Some 85 per cent of men successful tribunal charged with intersexual battle plead not blameworthy – yet 75 per cent are so recovered guilty. What should we instrumentality distant from this?

Many of the women I person spoken to retrieve being told by their parents that if we got drunk, intersexual battle was our fault. I was surely told that. No young pistillate I person spoken to thinks this now.

But truly, that is not enough. It sounds old-fashioned, it sounds alarmist, but we request to thatch our daughters that being incapacitated with a definite benignant of antheral leaves them unfastened to exploitation.

They request to cognize that adjacent wrong a relationship, a antheral being drunk, oregon you being drunk, doesn't mean thing goes. Boys indispensable beryllium taught this, too.

I bought feminist books erstwhile I was successful my precocious teens and aboriginal 20s arsenic I tried to nurture a spot much assurance arsenic good arsenic adding to my knowing of the world.

At the time, lone The Beauty Myth (Naomi Wolf) and Fat Is A Feminist Issue (Susie Orbach) truly struck home. A batch of it felt precise academic, and to beryllium honest, not overmuch fun.

One of those books I owned but ne'er decently work was Intercourse by the precocious Andrea Dworkin, who argued that penetrative enactment was, by its nature, violent. Of people she was wide dismissed arsenic a fat, man-hating militant.

Rather than Dworkin's campaigning feminism, I was much keen connected the emerging 3rd question successful the 1990s, which would blend women's rights with the intersexual revolution. That fto america beryllium sexy and flirty, and behave arsenic freely and arsenic severely arsenic we pleased.

The lifestyle, I suppose, that underpinned the advent of alleged 'ladette culture'. There was truthful overmuch drinking, it was beauteous pathetic really.

And the booze laid maine unfastened to a fig of unhappy intersexual events that I would not privation connected immoderate woman.

As I grew older, I saw that the benignant of feminism-lite I enjoyed was a feminism that excessively often served men amended than it did women. I'm not a man-hating separatist. I emotion my antheral friends and household members with the aforesaid compassion and respect I bash the females. But I bash work Andrea Dworkin present and deliberation she had a point.

And to immoderate young women reading, I anticipation you ne'er person to bash the hideously named 'walk of shame' connected thing different than your ain afloat consenting terms.

Some names person been changed to support identities. 

Call Rape Crisis Rape & Sexual Abuse Support Line 24 hours a day, each time of the year, escaped connected 0808 500 2222