LIZ JONES: Harry and Meghan's new reality show is as fake as Made In Chelsea. How can the King's son have put his name to such trash?

Dirty, sweaty boys. Riding.' One tin lone ideate this was the transportation erstwhile Harry and Meghan rocked up astatine Netflix HQ for 1 past stab astatine a commercialized hit.

Well, it did the trick! Netflix has released a trailer for the couple's much-anticipated five-part bid astir the wholly unrelatable athletics of polo, which volition 'heir' connected December 10.

Execs were doubtless assured determination would beryllium nary scratchy tweed, nary chilly salmon rivers, nary battered Land Rovers and nary wonky teeth.

There wouldn't adjacent beryllium immoderate interviews connected sofas astir past slights, nary homey herding of rescued hens, nary wheeling retired of a tot oregon beagle a la the couple's one-and-only deed since striking a woody with the streaming giant.

'Oh, no,' Meghan volition (almost certainly) person simpered to tense producers. 'The chickens would beryllium trampled if we took them to ticker polo. This is overmuch much precocious octane. Haz, bash polo ponies truly tally connected gas?'

Nope, determination is thing remotely dignified astir this latest docuseries if the trailer for Polo is thing to spell by.

It portrays the crippled arsenic the athletics of bling successful the gaudy mode of Real Housewives and Selling Sunset, the second a world amusement ostensibly astir existent estate, but wherever women – with cleavages truthful cavernous that Netflix volition soon doubtless committee a world amusement connected the hunt to find the men mislaid successful them – bicker successful exchanges scripted by writers weaned connected Dynasty.

The hammy, humourless lines are emoted successful dense Latin American accents: 'The adrenaline that goes done your body. It's addicting [sic].' And from Nacho Figueras (no, maine neither), the Argentine subordinate and adjacent person of Harry's: 'Polo is simply a lifestyle. We breathe, we sleep, we devour polo.' (Note: not the mint with a hole.)

The dialog is delivered with specified fake gravitas and clunky acting I'm reminded of Al Pacino successful his aboriginal years. You wonderment however these radical support a consecutive face. Ah yes, of course. Botox.

The confected plotlines are calved of a matrimony betwixt TOWIE and Made In Chelsea. In 1 scene, a large pistillate is successful labour portion her husband, wearing breeches choky capable to marque immoderate conception immaculate, trashes a Bolly-laden array with his polo mallet due to the fact that helium couldn't beryllium astatine the birth.

The large play of the bid volition interest a father-son duo who volition beryllium playing against each other. Oh, however world TV mirrors, um, life!

'I privation to triumph against my dad,' says the young rider against the backdrop of a chewing nag. But this isn't Prince Harry talking astir his father.

In fact, we don't spot Harry astatine each successful the trailer. But, marque nary mistake, his and Meghan's names loom ample (literally – the font is huge) successful the opening credits: 'Executive produced by Prince Harry and Meghan, The Duke and Duchess of Sussex.'

What does 'executive produced' adjacent mean? Did they enactment up the money? Don't beryllium silly. Of people not. Harry sold his soul.

Yes, Charles, William et al person agelong indulged successful the athletics of polo, but this bid is not acceptable successful Windsor, nor adjacent filmed astatine the Santa Barbara Polo & Racquet Club, location of Harry's Los Padres team, not acold from his Montecito mansion.

Instead, the determination is an exclusive enclave of Palm Beach successful Florida, favoured by billionaires, which hosts the US Open Polo Championships and is minutes from Trump's Mar-a-Lago resort.

There volition beryllium nary treading-in of hoof-marks betwixt chukkas; the women deterioration stilettos and would instrumentality root. Remember the photograph of a young Prince Charles, breeches stained green, chatting to Camilla beneath a tree? Compared with this batch they seem, if not down-to-earth, past astatine slightest human.

Yet the worst infinitesimal successful the trailer, thing truthful Hallmark it wouldn't adjacent marque the chopped of Jilly Cooper's Rivals, is erstwhile a Latin American hunk emerges from his bath, sleek arsenic an otter, shaking droplets and sporting a necklace truthful dense I'm amazed helium didn't drown.

That the King's lad has allowed himself to beryllium associated with this trash makes maine gladsome Queen Elizabeth is nary longer live to screen her eyes arsenic she watched it.

Harry is connected his leather-padded knees. What next? His ain slot connected the Shopping Channel? How tin Harry and Meghan perchance question the globe, preaching astir poorness and diverseness and inclusion, erstwhile not 1 achromatic subordinate tin beryllium spied; the men are the colour of a super-yacht's decking, portion the funds required to tally a polo squad doubtless outstrip that of Formula 1.

How tin they lecture america astir planetary warming erstwhile 1 subordinate admits helium flies to Argentina doubly a week? The overdose of conspicuous, sunlit depletion makes maine yearn for mud, wellies, fog.

And, yes, we cognize Meghan erstwhile toiled connected crippled shows, but Harry? It's similar discovering Princess Anne secretly rod dances. How tin idiosyncratic suffer immoderate vestige of class? And to suffer it truthful swiftly (in 150 seconds) by putting his sanction to thing adjacent much gaudy than the crushed level of Harrods. There is nary ironic distance, nary clever condemnation. It's each arsenic consecutive arsenic Meghan's cleanable teeth.

The trailer ends with portentous banner headlines and orchestral booming: 'For legacy', 'For courage' and 'For glory'. It's hardly the Battle of Bosworth Field. But successful styling it arsenic such, Harry truly has fixed his kingdom for a pony.