My client asked me to pour custard down his pants — what could possibly go wrong?

As the 4th litre of custard trickles down my face, I statesman to endure an existential crisis. It’s cold, gloopy, unusual smelling, and I’ve had a abrupt realisation I haven’t packed a hairdryer. Bother. 

This doesn’t look similar the benignant of edifice wherever they’d deign to supply a hairdryer, it’s a inexpensive find conscionable disconnected the A1.

My post-sploshing pint, which I’ve faithfully promised myself, and hopeless request to rinse the dairy whiff from assorted orifices, volition simply person to wait. 

But past I hitch immoderate custard from my near oculus and spot Nathan’s giddy small face. What we’re doing – which is known successful the kink world arsenic ‘sploshing’ – is his greatest imagination travel true, the infinitesimal he’s been fantasising astir for 30 years. 

I’d beryllium a rotten killjoy to spoil it for him. Instead, I beam and springiness him a thumbs up.

‘Can you crook around? I privation to determination the adjacent litre down your pants. Please!’ helium begs.

I’m crouched alternatively uncomfortably connected the ablution tray successful the spacious but alternatively bare bath – it’s not seedy, conscionable bland.

I’m wearing lone my pants. I’ve sold Nathan my pants successful the past – he’s a large instrumentality of the humble knicker. 

The brace I’m wearing contiguous are conscionable plain achromatic – thing precise sexy – and he’s conscionable successful a plain acceptable of boxer briefs, but I’m definite he’ll inactive privation my undies contempt their deficiency of lace.

When I mentioned connected X I was having beverage with a vicar chum, the cheeky bugger asked if helium could bargain her pants too. She declined. 

Nathan is 35, handsome and hairy, and turned up successful a funky purple sports car. He was dressed successful a t-shirt and shorts earlier stripping down, and the graphic decorator smells powerfully of aftershave.

I’ve requested £200 for this two-hour escapade, positive the outgo of the edifice country and custard – each 12 pints of it – six for maine and six for him.

If I determine I similar him I’ll fto him support my pants arsenic a souvenir. They’re lone Primark, and I don’t overmuch fancy popping them backmost successful my handbag aft this.

Nathan initially recovered maine connected X, and asked maine to marque him a video of my being covered successful 12 litres of custard. He suggested immoderate elaborate crippled that we were enactment colleagues, and I’d mislaid immoderate drunken bet, arsenic mentation for the self-sploshing. 

It’s tricky remembering lines, quality and information erstwhile covered successful custard, with a bored cameraman yawning and scratching his balls portion I talk.

Custarding myself, I could take the rhythm, which avoided the constituent of surprise, and astir importantly, popular said custard cartons successful a beauteous bucket of blistery h2o first, to bring them up to tegument temperature. 

Now we’re yet gathering successful person, I’m having nary specified luck successful the flesh.

‘Now the beforehand of your pants…?’

I commune the alternatively inexpensive edifice I’ve booked for this acquisition has decent plumbing and an knowing laundry service.

‘And present for…’ helium yells, with a flourish, ‘the strawberry sauce!’ I wince, imagining however agelong I’ll apt endure thrush for this escapade, trying to walk it disconnected arsenic an enthusiastic grin.

There was a fad for ‘pussy pops’ a fewer years back, ie. penetrating yourself with a lolly earlier popping it successful the station to an anxious client, which upset my vaginal pH equilibrium successful a mode I feared mightiness beryllium permanent. 

It seems to person recovered now, though I’m ever cautious to usage Calpol alternatively than icing sweetener for faked cum shots. I’d alternatively custard wasn’t my downfall.

Nathan has been fantasising astir gunge since the property of 12, blaming Saturday greeting kids’ TV shows. He watched Anthea Turner get covered successful greenish goo 1 time and couldn’t halt considering the unusual fluttery sensations it produced – and the information that nary 1 other seemed to beryllium that interested. 

At 16, helium recovered a transcript of Splosh mag connected Ebay and realised helium wasn’t the lone 1 successful the satellite with his fetish. Ever since, he’s bought customized films from women similar me, spending astir £100 each week to get his custardy fix. 

He chooses not to uncover his sploshing kink to girlfriends, fearing ridicule. Otherwise known arsenic WAM (wet and messy kink), helium deems it improbable he’ll find a miss with the aforesaid intersexual preference, contempt it being a large portion of BDSM culture. 

Female sploshers are rare, and consequently successful precocious demand. If you’re looking for a handsome charming fellow with a broadside bid of sugar, get yourself connected a sploshing site. 

Saying that, I lone person 1 different lawsuit similar this, who besides has a tummy fetish. He likes covering my gut successful bluish gunge helium bulk buys from Amazon, past taking pictures of the effect.

However, I’m 47 and my tummy is agelong past its use-by date, packed with flab and fibroids, truthful I’m not that fond of it and lone spot him connected dilatory months.

Today though, it’s his archetypal clip ever sploshing with an existent miss successful the flesh. He’s genuinely shaking with joy. I fearfulness for his fingers arsenic helium slices astatine the packaging.

(Until chatting with maine online, helium was excessively shy to inquire a pistillate to participate. Usually helium sploshes alone.)

It’s my crook to gunge him next, and I skid retired gleefully to get my revenge. He asks maine to drawback his telephone to get a representation of him astatine highest gunge. Sadly his telephone requires facial ID, and level retired refused to judge the drippy yellowy features I showed it could perchance beryllium to its owner. 

He sits successful soundlessness arsenic I custard him, similar an obedient diligent receiving immoderate experimental aesculapian treatment, though I spot his penis bulging and twitching arsenic the slime hits. 

‘I’ve already cum 3 times today, imagining this moment,’ helium says. ‘Not definite I tin cum again.’

But helium does. Semen mingles with pudding sauce, admittedly not a large deal. It’s the sensation of custard against his genitalia that helium loves.

I can’t deliberation of overmuch to accidental and I consciousness idiotic to beryllium witnessing Nathan’s gigantic life-changing emotions portion wondering vaguely what the postulation volition beryllium similar getting location and if Tesco volition inactive person immoderate decent bread.

The past carton goes down his pants. Thank goodness. The odor of the Bird’s custard makes maine cough. It’s a benignant of sickly sugary dairy stench and I’m borderline vegan truthful it’s starting to get to me, adjacent done his ecstatic grateful murmuring. 

I enactment the custard stained towels astatine the bottommost of the laundry heap and anticipation I don’t get fined for the messiness we’ve made.

He washes himself thoroughly, past cleans the shower, but unluckily forgets to instrumentality the bin liner of bare custard cartons with him.

I propulsion it successful my car, forgetting astir it for weeks, past wonderment wherefore flies support circling: a souvenir of the delightful if slimy day I’d spent making a young gent incredibly happy. 

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