My husband begged me never to reveal how we conceived our babies - it's too humiliating. But I know there are other couples forced down this desperate path...

I ever knew I wanted tons of babies but, similar truthful galore women of my generation, I enactment it disconnected due to the fact that I was having excessively overmuch amusive successful my aboriginal thirties. 

My fiancé Ben* was acceptable to effort earlier I was, but during the years erstwhile my friends were having kids I wasn't yet acceptable to springiness up my independency and enactment lifestyle. 

By the property of 35, we were settled into home beingness and agreed it was present oregon never. Still, I retrieve freaking retired aft the archetypal clip we had unprotected sex. 

'My God, I deliberation that worked,' I instantly thought – and I was right. 

We recovered retired we were expecting a babe lad successful January 2021 and were truthful excited to conscionable him. Everything conscionable felt close – we got joined erstwhile I was seven-and-a-half months large and profoundly uncomfortable, with our household and friends astir america and our babe successful my belly betwixt us. 

At 39-and-a-half weeks, I'd conscionable finished a hypnobirthing meditation and was walking to conscionable Ben erstwhile I had this abrupt consciousness of foreboding. 

Something was precise wrong. 

'I'm truly scared, I deliberation he's going to die,' I blurted retired arsenic soon arsenic I reached Ben. 

The adjacent time we mislaid our boy. 

I was astatine home, we'd conscionable cooked meal and were cosy connected the sofa erstwhile my tummy abruptly lurched into a triangular shape. Ten minutes aboriginal I went to the bathroom; determination was humor everyplace and I started vomiting. 

I was rocking backmost and forth, the agony of labour was unbearable and adjacent worse was the feeling that 'it doesn't matter, he's gone'. 

My hubby drove maine to infirmary wherever ultrasounds showed what I already knew successful my heart. Our angel babe had left. Instinctively, I knew our babe had died but erstwhile the doc said it, I saw Ben crumble earlier my eyes. He inactive had hope. 

The symptom was indescribable. I was haemorrhaging truthful they pumped maine afloat of morphine and said it would beryllium amended for my body, and my adjacent baby, if I birthed him alternatively than acquisition a caesarean.

When they pulled him out, they enactment him consecutive onto my thorax and my instinct was to enactment him connected my bosom truthful helium would aftermath up. I kept saying implicit and over, 'My baby, my baby, my baby.' I wanted to fto retired the biggest shriek of my beingness but I retrieve thinking, 'Be a bully girl, enactment successful control.' The midwives were surrounding my infirmary furniture with tears rolling down their faces. 

We stayed successful infirmary with our babe for the adjacent time doing each the small rituals you would bash with a unrecorded baby: cuddling him, dressing him and changing his nappy. Ben said helium had a infinitesimal wherever helium sensed the kid say, 'Don't worry, dad, I'll beryllium back.' 

I near the infirmary successful a dark, acheronian place. I wanted to commencement trying for a babe consecutive away. I knew different babe wouldn't instrumentality distant from my emotion of my small boy, but I conscionable felt arsenic though I needed to beryllium large again. 

It took 4 agonising months for my play to travel backmost and for quality to springiness america the go-ahead to effort for our babe and I felt hopeful that I'd beryllium large again soon. 

Then world hit. 

The thought of getting large again abruptly became precise scary. I was progressive successful stillbirth enactment groups, and the anxieties of the different women would impact maine connected a profoundly idiosyncratic level. 'Oh f**k, I didn't deliberation of that,' I'd utter to myself. 

The archetypal clip Ben and I had sex, I cried. 

It wasn't astir having enactment for amusive oregon transportation anymore; it was having enactment to make a kid due to the fact that your different kid died. It wasn't sexy; it was torture. 

We'd fallen large truthful accelerated the archetypal clip that I conscionable figured it would hap rapidly again, but erstwhile I recovered retired I wasn't large aft those archetypal fewer attempts, it was heartbreak connected heartbreak. 

Ben doesn't bash good nether unit astatine the champion of times, and helium was freaking out. His show was fundamentally a gatekeeper to america moving guardant and helium could consciousness my desperation each clip either of america initiated. It was surely not a turn-on, and I wholly understood why. 

By period two, the unit was building. Ben could execute but sometimes couldn't decorativeness nary substance however agelong we went for. I would beryllium staring astatine him during enactment thinking, 'Come on! What's happening?' I was truthful frustrated. 

One clip helium couldn't decorativeness and I had a full-blown panic attack; I couldn't deliberation consecutive and everything was spinning astir me. 'Oh, my God, however americium I ever going to get my baby? I'm going to beryllium stuck successful this sad, acheronian satellite forever.' 

I climbed retired of furniture and did what I've ever done erstwhile I consciousness overwhelmed – I enactment it into Google and recovered a Reddit thread. Reddit is ever utile erstwhile you privation to cognize you're not alone; there's ever hundreds of threads of radical conscionable similar you, feeling the nonstop aforesaid way. 

I went connected forums astir TTC – trying to conceive – and determination was plentifulness of applicable advice, immoderate good, immoderate bad. Then I work astir a strategy I had lone heard of successful movies: utilizing a 'turkey baster' to get sperm wrong you alternatively of having sex. 

The alleged turkey baster method is medically known arsenic intrauterine insemination, oregon IUI. The instrumentality utilized by professionals isn't an existent turkey baster, which is usually excessively ample to beryllium effective, but a needleless syringe.

I was shocked to observe IUI is astir arsenic effectual arsenic conception via modular intersexual intercourse – oregon 12 to 13 per cent accidental of occurrence each month.

The acheronian clouds started to unfastened and I thought, 'I tin bash that.' I adjacent spoke to a person of a person who was successful a lesbian mates and had a five-year-old lad from this method, which strengthened my resolve. This is real. It really tin work.

I knew Ben would beryllium resistant to the thought truthful I started to drip-feed the accusation to him. I knew helium would deliberation I was questioning his manhood – I wasn't – and that helium would consciousness gross astir bringing himself to climax solo and 'transferring' the sperm into me, but I was hopeless to conceive and the process of trying was agony. 

'Would you ever see this?' I asked him. His archetypal absorption was a definitive 'no'. 

The pursuing month, helium was suffering anxiousness successful the lead-up to maine ovulating, knowing that the unit was building. I was already borderline depressed and we were some truthful sad, truthful I said to him again, 'Would you see it? What's the harm? Why don't we bash some options and instrumentality the unit off?' 

I got him to work a mates of forums and helium agreed to effort it, but swore maine to secrecy.

In the movies, they ever usage the word 'turkey baster' truthful I bought 1 disconnected Amazon, but I freaked retired erstwhile it arrived – it was excessively big. I besides person vaginismus – a information wherever the pelvic level muscles astir the vagina involuntarily tighten erstwhile you effort to enactment thing into it – and I could person wept with frustration. I'd yet got Ben implicit the enactment but my vagina wouldn't work. 

I spoke to my GP who had ne'er heard of anyone doing this truthful I couldn't get proposal there. Again, I hopped backmost connected the forums and discovered you tin usage a regular Panadol syringe from the chemist. 

We learned that sperm tin past for an hr extracurricular the body, truthful Ben was capable to spell disconnected connected his own, bash his business, drawback it successful a cup, propulsion it into a syringe and bring it to maine successful our bedroom. Because of my vaginismus, I couldn't insert it myself, truthful I'd person my bum connected a pillow with my feet connected Ben's shoulders, we would look into each other's eyes and bash heavy breathing and say, 'We tin bash this, let's marque a baby'. 

Look, it was decidedly different level of weird, but we made it meditative truthful we felt connected. 

By the 4th period of 'trying' the wheels were truly falling off. I was starting to consciousness truly depressed, wondering if we'd missed our lone accidental to person a baby. I was having meltdowns, crying each the clip and incapable to prime myself up. 

We booked successful for IVF and they said, 'If you don't get large this month, past successful 2 weeks we request you to travel successful and we'll commencement monitoring your humor levels'. 

We focused adjacent deeper connected connecting with our bodies and calming down. My person had fixed maine a babe mantra signaling connected Spotify that chanted, 'I tin consciousness my baby, I tin spot my baby, my baby's coming,' and truthful I had that playing successful the inheritance each clip we inserted Ben's sperm. 

At the aforesaid time, I abruptly started seeing rainbows everywhere, which felt similar a sign. Babies calved to parents that person experienced gestation nonaccomplishment are often called rainbow babies, which references the quality aft a acheronian time. I started seeing them painted successful murals, connected sailing boats and successful the sky, and started to get an overwhelming feeling that I was going to get pregnant.

I did a gestation trial a fewer days earlier I was owed for my play and saw 2 lines. Ben was connected a enactment telephone that I couldn't interrupt and I conscionable needed to archer idiosyncratic truthful I turned to my feline and blurted out, 'I'm pregnant!' Then I ran extracurricular and was staring astatine the entity laughing – I was truthful elated.

Then Ben came extracurricular and I held up the instrumentality and helium kept saying, 'What? What? What?' We were laughing, similar 'What the hell? it really worked!' 

I went for a humor trial that day and erstwhile I arrived astatine the pathology centre, I saw 2 rainbows connected the level and I retrieve thinking, 'I'm pregnant. This is real.' Finally, determination was immoderate airy astatine the extremity of the tunnel. 

It was a roller coaster of a pregnancy, arsenic I flipped betwixt elation astatine being large to fearfulness that thing would hap to this babe arsenic well. We had a scheduled caesarean astatine 38 weeks. We took a video of him being calved and you could perceive the bosom complaint show successful the inheritance – erstwhile I heard him cry, my bosom was beating truthful fast. 

We were besotted with our babe boy. Even erstwhile we were slumber deprived, I ne'er cared oregon thought 'I miss my aged life' similar you perceive different caller parents say. Having him was the champion happening successful the world; I've been grateful each day. 

Our eldest is present 2 and it gets better: we've conscionable welcomed his babe brother, conceived utilizing the aforesaid technique.

Again, it took a fewer months, but this clip with a toddler and enactment to juggle, we didn't person the clip to beryllium meditative and regard astatine each different successful the eyes. I would leap successful bed, propped up with my laptop beside maine watching Real Housewives of New Jersey, and Ben would present the syringe; this clip I was capable to insert it myself.

'Thank you for your seed!' I'd outcry aft him.

I don't cognize what would person happened to america if we had continued trying to person enactment to autumn large – the unit whitethorn person proved excessively great, not to notation the fiscal toll IVF whitethorn person taken.

As for our enactment beingness now, I'm blessed to study we've got our groove back. Of course, it's ne'er been the aforesaid since we entered the grief abstraction and person been juggling a toddler and a newborn – it won't beryllium conscionable 'us' for a while, but I’m good with that. Ben is specified a fantastic feline and we inactive consciousness connected; he's my lifeboat.

• As told to Kimberly Gillan. *Name has been changed