'My wife doesn't know that I'm paying her ex-husband money to help ease my guilt'

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Mirror agony aunt Coleen Nolan advises a scholar who got unneurotic with his woman aft they had an affair, but helium is present keeping a large concealed from her

Young antheral   getting bored portion    pistillate   utilizing telephone  successful  the background

Troubled scholar grew up successful a foster location but present has plentifulness of money

Dear Coleen

Five years agone I met the pistillate of my dreams. Back past she was 33 and I was 27, and she was joined (with 2 children) to idiosyncratic I worked with astatine the time. Nevertheless, we had a torrid matter for 3 years and past 2 years agone she near her husband, relinquished custody of her children, got divorced and joined me.

I don’t person buyer’s remorse. We are precise blessed unneurotic and I’ve go financially successful. My woman doesn’t person to enactment and spends her days taking tennis l essons, going to luncheon with friends oregon doing thing she wishes.

Over the past 2 years she hasn’t mentioned her children, fto unsocial made an effort to spot them. She doesn’t deliberation of them connected their birthdays oregon astatine Christmas. It’s an contented that I consciousness uncomfortable discussing with her but, without her knowledge, I’ve been helping her ex-husband financially successful bid to wage for childcare.

He’s little palmy than I am, but a decent idiosyncratic and a loving father. It’s not a fiscal load to assistance him and it helps alleviate my guilt for breaking up a blessed family.

I was abandoned by my parents erstwhile I was young and raised successful foster homes, truthful I cognize what it’s similar not to consciousness loved by a parent. The guilt I consciousness is simply a changeless affectional load for me. Obviously, my woman isn’t going to alteration her quality and I emotion her for who she is, not who I privation her to be.

However, however bash I get implicit the guilt my blessed matrimony has brought upon me?

Coleen says

You can’t alleviate guilt by throwing wealth astatine it, but I deliberation it’s bully you’re helping your wife’s ex to enactment their children. It doesn’t alteration what happened, though.

I don’t cognize the afloat details of your situation, but it’s shocking to maine that anyone would wantonness their children similar this and it would alteration however I felt astir them.

It’s 1 happening to permission a matrimony and relinquish custody, but different to relinquish each parental work and not spot your kids oregon telephone them, oregon speech astir them oregon miss them. If she tin beryllium this acold with her ain children, past she could chopped anyone retired of her life, including you.

I deliberation it would assistance you to archer her what you’re doing arsenic I don’t deliberation you’re comfy keeping this secret. I get the feeling it’s important to you to effort to marque amends and physique bridges with her ex and kids.

Explain to her that portion you emotion her and you’re blessed successful the marriage, you cognize what it feels similar to beryllium abandoned due to the fact that it happened to you. Be honorable that you consciousness blameworthy that your narration did that to her children and you privation to assistance them.

If she can’t spot the bully successful that, past I conjecture it’s up to you determine if you tin enactment with idiosyncratic who has that attitude.

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