THE SEX DIARIES: His excitement waned, like a tyre deflating. This had never happened before

My frozen lobster from Lidl wouldn’t acceptable successful the freezer, truthful I asked Eliot circular to stock it.

But adjacent though we’d been dating for much than a year, him staying implicit inactive meant much mentation for me: pick for the linguine; hoover the bedroom; cleanable the sheets.

By the clip I met Eliot for a dog-walk we were some successful a atrocious temper – maine from my home overwhelm, Eliot from his play spent sleeping connected his friend’s level aft a party.

‘I’m gutted that I spent the play indoors drinking, and present I person each this enactment to bash and I’m exhausted,’ helium said. I told him I was sorry, but privately I thought helium had lone himself to blame.

I started disconnected connected my ain woes: ‘I don’t person capable assistance with the kids. You cognize that aged saying: it takes a village, but successful my lawsuit it’s conscionable me.’

Eliot made nary reply. It was a acquainted feeling: my words being swallowed up by a gale of soundlessness that said everything. He didn’t person kids, and I felt I had nary close to inquire him to beryllium funny successful my own. I ne'er knew however overmuch to stock with him; it was awkward to inquire him for proposal erstwhile helium was 21 years younger than me.

Once we reached the car, Eliot said: ‘So what’s the plan?’ I knew helium was talking astir the infinitesimal my ex-husband, Simon, was owed to driblet Emi, conscionable seven, backmost home.

It was my crook to beryllium silent.

Eliot continued: ‘What bash you privation maine to do, unfastened the doorway and say: “Hello mate, invited to the location you utilized to unrecorded in, with your kids and your woman – who, by the way, is present my girlfriend?”’

He was right, it was difficult, but I wanted to beryllium with idiosyncratic who was consenting to marque the effort to integrate into my beingness and my household, alternatively than radiate awkwardness from the bedroom.

Sullenly, I said: ‘I’ll woody with it.’

Simon arrived conscionable aft we got location and seemed to consciousness Eliot’s presence. He and I didn’t speech overmuch present anyway, but this evening helium dropped Emi astatine the doorway and left. I returned to the heap of soiled dishes that were spawned by my 2 teens. I knew that, contempt Eliot having the 28-year-old’s quality to slumber connected floors, helium was neat and organised and struggled with the children’s chaos astatine my house. When helium came downstairs, to an unmade supper, his look tightened, arsenic I predicted.

‘If I invitation you circular for dinner, it’s conscionable sorted,’ helium said. ‘It’s different!’ I cried. I could not explicate the effort that had already gone into the meal-prep, the rearranging of after-school activities.

Eliot chopped the lobster down its backmost arsenic I hovered, trying to help. ‘Easier if I bash it,’ helium said, brusquely.

‘But the remainder is conscionable onions and cream!’ I said desperately, watching the bully evening I’d planned falling to pieces.

Then thing switched; capable of Eliot ruining my temper and my evening. I was doing my best; excessively atrocious helium couldn’t spot it. ‘Why don’t you conscionable spell home!’ I yelled.

Right then, my 13-year-old, Maude, came in. She got thing retired of the drawer successful silence, past dashed retired of the room. It was atrocious enough

that she ever utilized to overhear my arguments with Simon. Now it was happening again.

I was making the incorrect choices – for me, for everyone. In furniture later, Eliot wanted to cuddle, but I laic rigid astir of the night, inactive feeling angry.

After the schoolhouse tally successful the morning, I came backmost to bed. No substance what happened betwixt us, I inactive loved his smell, the mode his hairsbreadth curled, the breadth of his hands.

I kissed him tentatively and was relieved erstwhile helium enactment his fingers nether my waistband. I touched him, too, past took disconnected his boxer shorts. He felt amazing, arsenic helium ever did, but this clip I couldn’t look astatine him. I looked astatine the wall, with its costly overgarment that Eliot had nary involvement successful because, nevertheless overmuch I told myself otherwise, he’d ne'er determination successful with me.

He indispensable person seen maine commencement to cry, due to the fact that helium mislaid his erection slowly, similar a tyre going down. This had ne'er happened before. He was ever highly hard and capable.

‘I’m sorry.’ He, too, was crying. ‘I don’t deliberation I tin bash this.’ ‘It’s OK,’ I replied. ‘We tin effort again.’

‘I mean this.’ He indicated the house, the kids, me...

‘I can’t transportation on. It hurts excessively much.’

‘You mean, you privation to divided up?’ I said successful disbelief. It was coming, I knew, but now? I wasn’t ready! I was inactive madly successful emotion with him, and ending this narration felt similar the extremity of fun, youth, potential.

‘I emotion you, but I can’t,’ helium said. He sat up and enactment connected his clothes. I couldn’t carnivore to deliberation this was the past clip I’d spot him naked.

But everything was moving accelerated now. He was packing and past helium was astatine the doorway and we were kissing our last goodbye, some of america inactive crying.

Then I watched him locomotion down the street, distant from me, backmost to his life. I couldn’t judge it was over.

ANNABEL BOND is a pseudonym. All names person been changed.