There is nothing like a difficult child

Rohan is being told repeatedly that helium “does not privation to bash anything,” that helium is “lazy”, “is stubborn and does not listen.” His teachers are saying it, his parents are saying and helium has started saying it to himself. He sits crossed me, eyes trained connected the other wall, shrugs and adds his ain conclusion, “I guess, I americium a loser.”

If we were to spell backmost successful clip to the clip Rohan was a toddler, we would person met a small lad who was proudly described as, “enthusiastic and afloat of curiosity.” So what happened successful the past 12 years that changed his communicative truthful much? What snuffed the curiosity and the enthusiasm? Maybe it was the conflict to support up with classes, possibly it was the comparison, possibly it was that cipher picked up the neurodivergence that was coming successful the mode of his learning. If the kid does not acceptable successful the tightly defined grooves of our acquisition system, we are speedy to statement the kid “difficult” oregon “unmotivated”, oregon chastise oregon adjacent punish them.

I wonderment if you had a signifier successful your beingness erstwhile you “did not privation to bash anything.” Maybe you are going done it now. Did you 1 time determine that you were done wanting to bash things oregon did it travel dilatory to you? Did you scope that constituent aft months, possibly years of trying and past giving up? Was it achy to scope that point? Did you support soundless and not stock it with anyone arsenic you were frightened of being judged? What if idiosyncratic brushed disconnected your symptom as, “such a hard person” oregon “attention seeking”?

There is simply a conception that if children are “not behaving” past they are doing this connected purpose, that they are “difficult”, “defiant” oregon possibly adjacent “doing drama.” My volition is not to blasted but for america to research these problematic ideas that extremity up damaging our children and our relationships. We are each portion of the problem. I person ended up slipping into this communicative of “this kid is difficult” truthful often arsenic a genitor and a therapist.

We person to enactment with our children and not against them. (Source: Freepik)

These are the 5 principles that person steered maine backmost into a much intentional and expansive position. Every time.

Children bash good if they can* I person ne'er met a kid who does not privation to bash well. They privation to learn, marque friends, play, research and beryllium appreciated. If a child, similar Rohan, is struggling, we person to marque a paradigm displacement from “doesn’t privation to” to “is struggling to.” It is astir accomplishment and not will. Maybe determination mightiness beryllium a learning difficulty, a intelligence wellness struggle, bullying successful schoolhouse oregon household conflicts astatine home.

Children’s behaviour ever makes sense. What if Rohan recovered a harmless abstraction astatine location oregon successful schoolhouse to speech astir what helium was struggling with? Where helium was not judged and his difficulties were dismissed arsenic “making excuses.” We mightiness find that down the labels of “difficult”, “stubborn” and “lazy” is simply a kid who had truly tried hard for years to support up contempt a learning trouble but was present giving up arsenic his efforts were belittled arsenic “not bully enough.” It is not a astonishment erstwhile helium sighs and adds, “What’s the point?”

What we absorption connected grows. Rohan’s statement, “I conjecture I americium a loser,” speaks of our obsession arsenic a nine to propulsion our children to oppressive standards of performance. What if astir conversations with Rohan were not conscionable astir his “failing” to support up with the world race? Where if helium could commencement exploring his emotion for sports and trekking. Maybe we would get to cognize much astir his tone of adventure, astir his endurance, his quality to beryllium a squad subordinate and truthful overmuch more.

We person to enactment with our children and not against them. “What astir his academics?”, immoderate of you mightiness ask. I americium not successful immoderate mode suggesting that we disregard that. But what if we took a much collaborative presumption alternatively than 1 of, “I americium right, you are wrong!” We could instrumentality what I telephone — the “You-Me-We approach.” You — I perceive to you from my bosom adjacent though I mightiness not hold with you. Me – You perceive to maine adjacent though you mightiness not hold with me. We — past unneurotic we find a tentative knowing (there is nary cleanable solution for parenting) that works for each of us. Children privation to beryllium seen and heard and to cognize that their parents and teachers admit what they are up against.

The mode we speech astir our children becomes their beingness stories. From the clip children are little, they perceive stories being told astir themselves. These stories bash not conscionable picture their lives but they interaction their lives. They signifier their identities, what they volition deliberation of themselves, and what choices they volition make. Do we privation Rohans of our satellite to judge that they are difficult, losers, and failures oregon bash we privation them to admit their difficulties but not suffer show of their abilities, what is precious to them, what excites them, what their hopes and dreams are and however they privation to beryllium successful this world?

Let maine clarify that gathering richer stories is not astir gold-plating difficulties. Not astatine all. That presumption minimises the symptom that children spell through. We cannot robust retired their struggles with the problematic thought of “let’s beryllium positive.” However, our powerfulness implicit our children’s lives tin invisibilise however we person to beryllium accountable for them and to them. It is our work to not fto them beryllium defined by labels that rob them of their dignity. Or to beryllium complicit successful the humiliation, punishment, systemic unit that is carried retired successful the sanction of discipline. Maybe adjacent clip you perceive the words, “difficult child” (or the aggregate synonyms), pause, bespeak and talk up for our children.

*Acknowledgement: Ross W Greene