Why it should have been ME naked on Grammys red carpet with Kanye and not Bianca Censori

IN the tub-thumping words of Seventies Motown fable Yvonne Fair: It Should Have Been Me.

Oh but it were maine butt bare connected the reddish carpet astatine the Grammys connected Sunday night, narrowly avoiding apprehension and garnering wide nationalist humiliation/pity.

September 7, 2008 — the nighttime Kanye West, aka The One That Got Away, asked maine out.

And a nighttime that could person changed the people of showbusiness past everlastingly but for a cruel, cruel twist of fate.

To recap, it was the MTV awards successful Liverpool and I was determination successful my relation arsenic an intrepid gossip columnist.

Prior to that night, I’d ne'er shown immoderate distant involvement successful Kanye West, and TBH, wouldn’t person recognised him if he’d bowled implicit to maine singing Gold Digger, with a lanyard bearing “Kanye West” astir his neck.

After the awards, which had seen Beyonce, Katy Perry, Pink and Take That perform, (alas I’d been having a wee erstwhile Kanye sang), and respective glasses of champagne down, a tiny antheral kept trying to marque oculus interaction astatine the after-party.

Wearing a borrowed D&G dress, I smiled politely backmost astatine the saccharine antheral clutching a bully solid of whisky successful VIP.

Minutes aboriginal a elephantine information defender tapped maine connected the enarthrosis and said my beingness was requested successful the VIP area.

I was duly guided down the velvet rope, and plonked successful beforehand of a antheral I inactive failed to recognise arsenic Kanye.

“Hey, what’s your name?” helium asked, laconically.

Replying, I asked him his. He looked astatine maine oddly, and said nothing.

“Cat got your tongue?” I continued, inexplicably. “Just archer maine your name, you’re being weird.”

“You’re funny,” helium replied, not smiling.

By present parched, and with nary champagne to beryllium seen, I reached implicit and plucked his solid from his hand.

From here, I downed the contents successful 1 earlier handing him backmost an bare crystal tumbler.

He looked a spot stunned. “So, where’s Kanye?,” I asked, ever the ace reporter.

(This communicative doesn’t get amended for me, FYI, nary substance however galore times I repetition it.)

'So, where’s Kanye'

“Huh?” helium said, rapidly losing patience with the evidently insane, minesweeping blonde earlier him.

Two flunkies past came implicit asking Kanye if helium needed anything.

Realisation dawned, excruciatingly, arsenic helium had idiosyncratic fetch maine my ain drink.

We past made achy tiny speech for the adjacent fewer minutes - earlier ACTUAL KANYE asked what my after-after-party plans were.

Half an hr aboriginal a bodyguard came over, took my phone, and asked maine to recite my number. I did truthful excitedly.

I was 26. I wasn’t reasoning matrimony oregon babies. Or adjacent a snog.

Love of my next-36-hours

But I did realise going connected a day with Kanye West would marque for a large meal enactment communicative 1 day.

AND THEN MY NOKIA BATTERY DIED.

For the adjacent 2 hours I paced the venue, pleading for a telephone charger — this was 2008, retrieve — convinced the emotion of my next-36-hours was frantically messaging and calling.

Getting backmost to my edifice country astatine 4am, and plugging the anserine happening backmost in, I waited with bated breath. Nada.

Clearly Mr West had moved on.

Which is wherever my communicative ends. His, though, continues.

Lucky escape

While I whitethorn person had a fortunate escape, I consciousness for his mediocre woman — the ironically named Bianca Censori; a pistillate who indispensable beryllium censored earlier she tin look successful a household newspaper.

Sunday night’s debacle was achy to watch.

No 1 knows what goes connected down closed doors but intelligibly the US vocalist is simply a troubled man.

I besides consciousness particularly atrocious for his 2 daughters with Kim Kardashian, a pistillate who made her sanction with a enactment tape.

And present they person Bianca arsenic a relation model.

With his ain manner brand, Kanye is simply a self-styled manner guru.

So wherefore wasn’t helium successful five-inch stilettos with his winkle hanging out?

Because men similar Kanye West are each astir power — and I pity anyone who gets successful their way.

Cher’s got a caller babe, literally

SO, Cher recovered the emotion of her beingness astatine the expansive ol’ property of 78.

Her whippersnapper, a chap not agelong retired of abbreviated trousers, is simply a euphony exec called Alexander Edwards.

He is 38 years old.

Presumably, past my precise ain soulmate is engaged reciting Humpty Dumpty successful a nappy arsenic I type . . . 

WEAR BEHIND YOU, KATE

CATHERINE MIDDLETON has played an implicit blinder.

The Princess of Wales’s diktat that flunkies nary longer archer the media what – oregon who, arsenic posh radical accidental – she’s wearing is long, agelong overdue.

By making radical absorption connected her work, not her £400 Boden frock, she is single-handedly helping resistance Buckingham Palace kicking and screaming retired of the 20th century.

The breathless obsession for each sartorial spit and cough of Kate’s outfits – £3.99 Accessorize earrings!! Woman of the people!! £3,000 Alexander McQueen dress!!! She’s truthful patriotic!! etc – is arsenic dull arsenic it is weird.

Sure, she’s done loads to boost income of lesser-known Brit designers by displaying their wares, but that’s what Google’s for.

From memory, I couldn’t archer you the marque of a azygous suit William has worn. I am, though, alert of his large stateless initiative, his mental health run enactment and biology Earthshot Prize.

Evidently Kate, who has truthful bravely and publically fought cancer, has had a wake-up call: Life is short.

Let her get to enactment successful marmalade-stained pyjamas if she truthful wishes. It truly doesn’t matter.

But her bequest does.

GEN Z DOES IT

IT’S not often I hold with Gen Z, but successful this lawsuit they’re bang on.

A canvass of 18 to 27-year-olds showed that much than 2 thirds thought enactment offenders should beryllium castrated.

For a procreation famously brushed erstwhile it comes to astir day-to-day practices – deliberation WFH, teetotalism, work/life “balance”, journalling and “raw-dogging” (going connected long-haul journeys without headphones oregon screens truthful to beryllium “in the moment”) – they person a decidedly hardline presumption erstwhile it comes to morality.

Which is nary atrocious thing.

MISS TAKES

AH, what caller bulls**t is this, Daily Telegraph?

The snooty broadsheet ran an nonfiction declaring, and I quote: “If a pistillate wants to execute the eventual powerfulness status, she needs to beryllium married.

“Frankly, if you privation to beryllium taken earnestly you request to beryllium a Mrs alternatively than a Ms.”

Right.

HOWEVER, if 1 was to necktie the knot . . . oh to beryllium Mrs Crapo.

The unfortunately-named US senator, Mike Crapo, was addressing the proceeding past week to see the assignment of arguable Robert F Kennedy arsenic Secretary of Health.

A JABS ARMY…

HOW reassuring. Around 500 prescriptions for abdominous jabs are being dished retired for frontline troops.

Our wobbling warriors, if you will.

The drugs person been signed disconnected astatine the aforesaid clip arsenic exercises are being scaled backmost and instrumentality purchases cancelled to prevention money.

Call maine old-fashioned, but I’d similar to deliberation of my Armed Forces racing implicit walls and sprinting up force hills.

Not squishing lumps of soma betwixt their portly digits and jabbing their tummies of a morning.