After five years the man I love has left his wife for me. I'm proof being 'the other woman' CAN work out...

This period – aft 5 years of our extramarital matter – my fellow volition yet beryllium divorced. Nathan (let's telephone him that) is going to tribunal to dissolve his matrimony of implicit 20 years and we can, astatine last, commencement retired connected our new, blessed beingness together, with our hopes and dreams looking up to mediate age, and beyond.

I'm penning this nonfiction due to the fact that I privation to amusement that being 'the different woman' tin enactment out. Sometimes, joined men bash permission their wives. I'd similar to amusement that 'mistresses' aren't ever scheming harpies, men aren't ever irredeemable b******s, and that bully radical tin person affairs. 

But I besides privation to admit the inescapable information that others get wounded successful this situation. There's nary uncertainty it would person been amended if Nathan had been azygous erstwhile we met.

As you tin see, this portion is written anonymously. Not due to the fact that my spouse and I are ashamed – we aren't – but due to the fact that we don't privation to exposure oregon upset the 'innocent' parties, peculiarly Nathan's family. 

And yes, due to the fact that determination is simply a lingering stigma astir the thought of radical getting progressive erstwhile 1 of them is joined to idiosyncratic else. But beingness is analyzable – particularly erstwhile you deed your 50s – and possibly nine should beryllium much open-minded earlier leaping to judgment.

Nathan and I 'met' connected a communal friend's Facebook leafage successful 2019. We were portion of a governmental treatment and Nathan's answers were succinct and funny. Realising we were monopolising the chat, we decided to migrate it to our backstage Messenger channel, wherever we'd halt annoying everyone else.

In conscionable a substance of hours, the messages flew heavy and fast, opening retired to our favourite books, films and the drama we some liked. Nathan was successful his 40s to my aboriginal 50s. He told maine helium lived successful Edinburgh.

After 20 messages oregon so, helium said: 'I'm going retired now, to get food and chips for my woman and daughter.'

I thought – ah.

In 2019, I was single, my matrimony having breached up 2 years before. My children were astatine university; I was blessed with my independence, and not peculiarly looking for romance. But determination was nary uncertainty my messages with Nathan were becoming cheeky to the constituent of flirty. It astir apt wasn't a bully thought to proceed down this track.

So I typed: 'You dependable great: your woman and girl are precise fortunate to person you.' We had a mates much comic exchanges, I unopen down my machine for the night, and thought that was that.

But the adjacent morning, determination helium was, asking astir my evening, and telling maine astir a TV amusement helium had conscionable seen. I was afloat alert we were present entering ambiguous territory. At this point, I could person made a wide choice. Not replied, blocked him, carried connected with my day. You mightiness deliberation this is precisely what I should person done.

But I didn't. Our speech was truthful free-flowing and truthful overmuch fun, I wanted it to continue. He was clever. And this was hardly infidelity, was it? Discussing Stoicism, The Fast Show and the champion euphony to perceive to portion cooking spaghetti? Besides, I was the azygous 1 – I was doing thing wrong.

A fewer days later, Nathan asked for my number. I hesitated astir giving it to him (but not for that long), and helium rang maine immediately. We started to person regular chats. Nathan's woman was moving distant successful different municipality astatine that time, and helium was capable to talk freely. Predictably, the sermon started to go much personal.

I told Nathan astir my divorce, the mates of car-crash-y dates I had been connected and the 'dick pic' 1 of them had sent me. We laughed a lot. Eventually, helium started to archer maine astir his marriage. He'd been with his wife, Maggie*, since university. But implicit the past 15 years, the intimacy had started to gaffe from their marriage, and helium was feeling progressively bittersweet astir that.

Nathan wasn't conscionable talking astir enactment – though that was portion of it. He told maine that helium and Maggie conscionable didn't speech – but to sermon their girl – that determination was nary affectional closeness. Nor were determination immoderate fiery arguments – conscionable a authorities of comfy misery. (How galore marriages indispensable beryllium successful a authorities of comfy misery?)

I conjecture it was that aged 'my woman doesn't recognize me' cliche. But it truly did look that Nathan's woman didn't adjacent privation to effort and recognize him – and, well, I did. There's nary uncertainty we were starting to autumn for 1 another.

After a fewer weeks of chat, Nathan told maine helium was coming to London to conscionable me. I told him determination was nary mode helium was coming to London to conscionable me. Five months later, I relented. We some knew what we were getting into astatine this point. I booked a edifice for him to enactment in, but helium didn't usage it.

When I picked Nathan up from the airport, helium was astir soundless successful the car connected the thrust to my house. OK, I thought, helium doesn't fancy maine (I wholly fancied him) truthful we'll spell and spot that play I booked arsenic platonic friends. I made Nathan a sandwich, helium went upstairs and had a shower. Five minutes aft that, Nathan pulled maine onto his thigh for a kiss. Five minutes aft that we were successful bed.

We stayed determination for the remainder of the weekend, with conscionable a interruption for meal and cocktails. We had sex, talked, told each different comic stories and declared however overmuch we loved each other.

On Sunday night, we made plans to conscionable again arsenic soon arsenic humanly possible. There was nary interest that having 'got what helium wanted', Nathan would 'ghost' maine –he called maine doubly earlier helium adjacent got backmost connected the formation to Scotland.

Over meal the nighttime before, Nathan had told maine helium was going to permission his wife. I wanted him to archer her immediately: I'm an unfastened person, I didn't similar sneaking around, and this concern was fundamentally 1 large lie. From everything Nathan said, his woman sounded similar a precise bully person. I wanted to bash the close happening by her successful each mode – but for walking away, due to the fact that I wanted to bash the close happening by maine more.

I had yet met my soulmate and wasn't going to springiness him up. I didn't privation to 'meet idiosyncratic else'. I loved him.

But Nathan wanted to hold earlier breaking the quality – ideally, until his teenage girl was done her A-levels. He besides wanted to fto Maggie down successful arsenic gentle and benignant a mode arsenic possible. That near maine astatine slightest 2 years of kicking my heels.

This feels similar a bully spot to notation however I had been connected the different extremity of this equation. Nine years earlier, towards the extremity of my ain marriage, I discovered my hubby had been having an matter erstwhile his woman near maine a dependable connection connected our landline.

While the mode of the revelation was a shock, I'd suspected thing had been going connected for months. By this constituent our ten-year matrimony was a premix of seething resentment and passive aggression (from him) and frantic distraction with my occupation and my children (me). Even so, proceeding the quality was brutal. I played the answerphone connection conscionable arsenic I was coming successful from Tesco.

It was similar having the rug pulled distant from nether maine – arsenic I dropped my buying bags connected the level and the tins rolled away, I felt a free-falling panic lavation implicit me. I knew my beingness was astir to alteration for ever. My ex denied the affair, ended it astatine immoderate point, and we carried connected successful a damaging cohabiting stalemate for 5 years, until our eventual separation and divorce.

Nine years on, I could honestly accidental my hubby had done maine a favour, freeing maine up to find emotion again. But of people I felt atrocious for Maggie – the concern was hardly 'sisterly' and I didn't privation immoderate pistillate to spell done what I'd been through. But I ne'er felt guilty, exactly. Can you consciousness blameworthy astir idiosyncratic you've ne'er met?

The pursuing mates of years were not ever easy. We got done the pandemic with telephone calls and Zooms. After Covid, Nathan and I saw each different a fewer times a month. I made the unusual travel to Scotland, but mostly helium came down to me.

Nathan spent the pandemic locked down successful Edinburgh with his woman and daughter. It whitethorn dependable odd, but I wasn't jealous during those weeks and months. Every day, Nathan told maine however this enforced proximity made him adjacent much definite of his decision.

The lone happening that rankled was that Nathan and Maggie inactive shared a bed. Nathan promised maine that they hadn't had enactment for years, that his woman slept curled up successful a shot astatine the different broadside of the bed, her elbows sticking retired successful a 'don't you situation interaction me' benignant of a way. He told maine it had been that mode for ages. Was it true? Who knows. But it suited maine to take to judge him.

At times, I felt similar Whitney Houston successful that song, Saving All My Love For You: 'a fewer stolen moments is each that we share/ you've got your family, and they request you there'. It was hard spending Christmas without Nathan, knowing helium was opening presents with idiosyncratic else. Bank holidays were peculiarly lonely, sitting astatine location portion couples and families were retired enjoying the sun.

There are unsurprisingly fewer self-help books connected however to negociate arsenic 'the different woman', nary enactment groups. If you are disquieted astir your partner, determination is obscurity to turn. These days, I person his champion friend's telephone number, but past twelvemonth Nathan had an cognition and determination was nary mode of checking up connected him.

He could person died, and I'd person been nary the wiser.

Almost from the archetypal day, I told my friends astir Nathan. Reactions were mixed. One of my pistillate friends was wildly jealous – she'd had an matter herself a fewer years earlier, had ne'er near her husband, regretted it, and urged maine to spell for it.

Most of my confidantes – predictably – were disquieted for me, acrophobic that I'd beryllium getting myself into the stereotyped presumption of the mistress whose antheral kept her hanging connected for years.

One antheral was blunt. 'They ne'er leave,' helium said (which possibly said much astir him, than thing else).

To statesman with, the narration felt asymmetrical – Nathan met my household and friends rather a portion earlier I met his. My closest 2 friends met Nathan connected his 2nd travel to London; helium met the wider ellipse implicit a fewer months. When they saw america together, each their misgivings vanished. Everyone agreed I was overmuch happier than I'd been with my ex, that we were truthful evidently 'made' for 1 another.

His friends soon came to the aforesaid conclusion. On my 2nd sojourn to Scotland, we had a portion with Nathan's oldest mate, Max. He was initially a small reserved, but it didn't instrumentality him agelong to lukewarm up.

Max had been successful the aforesaid assemblage twelvemonth arsenic Maggie and Nathan and had been a impermanent astatine their wedding. But portion helium was fond of Maggie, helium had seen the chill seep into their matrimony successful existent time. He told maine helium was relieved to spot Nathan smiling again.

Unlike me, Nathan didn't person groups of friends, much similar one-on-one relationships. So I met the remainder of them 1 astatine a time, implicit the pursuing months and years. There were nary issues with 'loyalty' arsenic they didn't really person a communal relationship group., including Maggie. She was, and is, precise introverted, preferring the institution of books and puzzles – truthful nary 1 adjacent had to instrumentality sides.

To this date, lone 1 pistillate acquaintance of excavation has remained judgmental – but that is due to the fact that her ain sister was cheated on, and wounded deeply. This, I understand.

At times, that two-year hold was difficult. While Nathan and I spoke respective times a time and saw each different arsenic often arsenic we could, I was occasionally stretched to the limits of my patience and understanding. Every truthful often, I would download dating apps, beryllium truthful horrified by what I saw there, that I decided that if it didn't enactment retired with Nathan, being azygous again was good by me.

Nathan and I seldom argued, though I retrieve erstwhile ­furiously shouting: 'Who bash you deliberation you are, Henry VIII?' erstwhile I got sick of being an eternal wife-in-waiting.

His break-up happened successful stages. First, Nathan moved backmost to enactment successful his location metropolis of Manchester wherever helium had kept connected his archetypal flat. Then, erstwhile Nathan's girl finished her exams, helium mildly told Maggie that their matrimony was over. He didn't archer her astir maine for a fewer bully months aft that, but I'd beryllium astonished if she hadn't guessed.

Naturally she was devastated. But portion the inevitable upheaval shook her successful the aforesaid mode it had for me, I recognize determination was besides a weary resignation they hadn't been making each different blessed for rather a while. Maybe she excessively volition present person the accidental to conscionable a antheral much suited to her.

Maggie and Nathan stay connected bully terms, and, erstwhile his girl is backmost from university, helium stays astatine her location – but sleeps successful the spare room, alternatively than connected the sofa these days. I'd beryllium lying if I said this ne'er bothered maine - what if they autumn into furniture for a sentimental past bout of passion?

But helium assures maine neither of them person ever been tempted, and helium would alternatively prevention wealth connected a hotel. Mostly, I person made bid with this. I'm not going to commencement laying down the instrumentality and being a nag: I spot him.

While Nathan is inactive based (for now) successful Manchester, we person spent overmuch of the past 2 years together.

The toughest portion was astir apt gathering his girl - understandably, she was initially wary, and not warm. I deliberation she was mostly relieved I wasn't immoderate 27 year-old starlet. We present person a tentative narration that is improving each the time. She's met my children and we person spent a abbreviated vacation together.

As for Nathan and I? We are happy. While our narration has been an unfastened concealed for rather a while, the information of his divorcement ­rubber-stamps it.

We've talked astir getting married, but there's nary rush, really. We are impervious that an matter tin blossom into the existent thing. Why settee for 'comfortable misery' erstwhile each time tin beryllium afloat of laughter and joy?

• Names and details person been changed
• Caroline Lowe is simply a pseudonym