I'm a celebrity who was hooked on cocaine. You know about my partying - but nothing of the shocking health consequences I still live with this day

Each enactment of cocaine is simply a lightning bolt to my brain, energy buzzing done my veins and for a fewer glorious moments, I americium funnier, sharper, much confident, my bosom pumping harder, faster, my laughter louder, my eyes sparkle.

I consciousness invincible, untouchable, powerful.

Then conscionable moments later, the feeling is gone, the elation I americium desperately chasing is ebbing away.

So I caput to the toilets, dice up the achromatic pulverization connected the grimy toilet cistern, enactment a rolled 10 dollar enactment to my nose… past consciousness the bitter drip descent down my throat, the chemic pain near lingering successful my nostrils. Then different line, and different one…

You cognize however this communicative ends. Or possibly you don't. Allow maine to explain.

What comes adjacent is thrashing astir successful furniture successful the aboriginal hours, alone, with regret, shame and anxiousness swirling, staring astatine the ceiling feeling similar I americium going to die. Would that beryllium specified a atrocious idea? After all, with decease comes bid and a mode retired to my backstage hellhole I person created.

The adjacent fewer days, I americium recovering, my eyes yellow, my tegument sallow, my appetite vanished, until time three, erstwhile my spark comes backmost and truthful does the propulsion to spell retired again. 'Just 1 drink?' friends text. 'Sure,' I occurrence back, knowing heavy down that ne'er means 1 drink, it means a vessel of champagne, and invariably idiosyncratic volition propulsion retired a bag, and the rhythm goes connected repeat.

I was a 35-year-old pistillate and addicted to cocaine. To marque matters worse, I was famous.

I'm not telling you my name; you would recognise my look and you would decidedly cognize my story; but nary 1 wants to beryllium celebrated for being a tragic cokehead, bash they?

Behind my blessed – filtered - Instagram posts, bikini shots, the walks with my dogs, my media fame, I was hiding a deadly concealed to my hundreds of thousands of followers: my concealed cocaine addiction was sidesplitting my body, my looks and my affectional well-being.

My privateness is important to my household and I. But I volition archer you my story, due to the fact that I privation you to perceive my message: to those of you who deliberation a vino and a enactment astatine the play is harmless, my play cocaine wont astir killed me.

I had an representation to uphold, aft all. I was expected to beryllium glamorous, sexy, successful. A nasty cocaine addiction was going to shatter the illusion. But I was dying connected the inside. And instrumentality distant the societal media filters, I looked dormant connected the outside, too.

I was what you telephone a high-functioning addict. I wasn't connected the streets, I'd ne'er been to rehab and portion I was falling isolated connected the inside, I held it unneurotic connected the outside. A slick of articulator gloss, the caller highlights successful my hair, I went to the gym, ate well, and I owned a palmy high-profile business. No 1 had immoderate thought I was battling a concealed conflict against cocaine.

I started experimenting with drugs erstwhile I was 15, archetypal arsenic fun, oregon truthful I thought, past I realised getting precocious was the top signifier of escapism determination is. Everything is numb erstwhile you instrumentality cocaine, particularly affectional pain. But my addiction lone truly started successful my thirties astatine a clip erstwhile my vocation was taking disconnected and I became a regular connected the beforehand pages.

Because with fame, wealth and success, came cocaine. And tons of it.

I've partied with sports stars, Hollywood actors, fittingness influencers and schoolhouse mums.

I present work interviews of definite celebrities talking astir their emotion of fitness, oregon their kids, oregon their latest cookbook oregon manner label. I cognize they're hiding their addictions too.

Cocaine is everywhere, and it's becoming socially acceptable, particularly successful the homes of the wealthy, the trendsetters and the famous.

But not conscionable with the elite, I cognize plentifulness of mums and dads who usage schoolhouse functions arsenic an excuse to get precocious too. And popping implicit for a cupful of beverage aft schoolhouse prime up often meant a vino and a enactment for them too.

I became obsessive implicit my adjacent hit, not capable to bask nights retired with friends unless I had cocaine, adjacent feeling restless astatine nighttime astatine location without a small pep maine up.

So I started buying, not each week, sometimes not each fortnight, but regularly capable to person a fewer dealers' names and numbers successful my contacts list. I was taking an tremendous risk, being caught successful a dealer's car, with a media illustration to uphold, yet I didn't care. Addiction robs you of your smarts.

And earlier I knew it, I was doing lines to bash the housework, oregon to springiness maine vigor to enactment connected my business, oregon earlier a nighttime out.

Cocaine addiction creeps up connected you slowly. You deliberation you person it nether control, aft all, everyone likes a enactment oregon two, don't they? (I aboriginal recovered retired that actually, nary they don't).

One evening retired with friends, I felt my bosom pump faster than usual. I had to prevarication down, I didn't consciousness good.

The adjacent happening I remember, I was waking up successful a hospital, with a doc lasting implicit me. I had what they telephone a mini stroke, oregon a TIA (transient ischemic attack) caused by a little blockage of humor travel to the brain, and was fixed humor thinners I needed to instrumentality long-term.

While doctors couldn't corroborate what caused my stroke, nary uncertainty drugs were a factor. 'You were fortunate this time,' the doc warned. 'But you can't bash drugs ever again.'

Did that halt me? For a fewer weeks, yes, but the addiction was greater than my willpower.

I can't retrieve present what my stone bottommost was. Losing my business, not being capable to prolong an intimate relationship, wanting to die… perchance each three.

I decided to get sober and clean, and I knew I couldn't bash it alone. Sobriety is simply a idiosyncratic thing, determination are galore ways to bash it. I went to an outpatient's rehab installation successful Sydney and learnt that addiction is our mode of masking trauma and pain.

I realised I craved a dopamine deed and recovered a mode to numb my feelings of debased self-worth and self-hatred and instrumentality maine retired of myself.

I started having therapy doubly a week, deleted the dealers' numbers and stopped seeing friends who liked to party. My ellipse became tiny but healthy. My relationships improved, I re-established my business, and the airy successful my eyes came back.

Recovery isn't easy, but erstwhile you cognize you tin unrecorded a blessed sober life, you can't unknow it. I got sober successful my forties - quitting cocaine and booze - and person ne'er felt better.

Another happening I've changed is my personage status. I've taken a measurement backmost from the spotlight, and deleted each my societal media aft realising the unit was making maine sick. And I've ne'er felt much astatine peace.

I spot each these societal media influencers and world stars who are desperately chasing fame, and it worries me. I cognize what tin travel with it.

My connection is this: instrumentality my communicative arsenic a warning.

There is simply a crushed wherefore fractional of Hollywood is sober. The precocious you consciousness from cocaine is the biggest fraud determination is.

Stick to java instead.