I thought nothing of the bruises on my wife's legs until she came home from a night out and made a drunken 'confession': SAUCY SECRETS

Dear Jana,

I precocious had a speech with my hubby that near maine wholly blindsided. He confessed that helium has a phantasy of maine sleeping with different men - but not successful a mode that suggests he's unhappy successful our marriage.

In fact, helium says helium would emotion to perceive each the details afterwards and that it would crook him on. At first, I laughed it off, reasoning helium was joking, but helium keeps bringing it up successful antithetic ways.

He's suggested I 'flirt a little' erstwhile I'm retired with friends, conscionable to spot however it feels, oregon adjacent download a dating app 'just for fun'. He insists helium would ne'er cheat connected maine and this has thing to bash with a deficiency of attraction oregon emotion betwixt us. But I can't assistance but feel… unsettled. Our enactment beingness has ever been great, and I've ne'er felt the request to stray, truthful this abrupt revelation has maine questioning everything.

Is this conscionable a harmless kink that immoderate couples explore, oregon is this a reddish emblem that points to thing deeper? Could this beryllium a motion helium wants to cheat but is projecting it onto me? I emotion my husband, but I ne'er thought I'd beryllium successful a matrimony wherever thing similar this was adjacent a taxable of conversation. How bash I adjacent statesman to attack this?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Congrats! You've conscionable discovered your husband's kink! And, honestly, bully connected him for being unfastened astir it. You'd beryllium horrified by however galore couples are excessively acrophobic to stock their fantasies with each different (what a discarded of a saucy enactment life). 

So, archetypal things first, pat yourself connected the backmost for having the benignant of narration wherever these conversations tin really happen.

What he's describing is called cuckolding (yep, there's a sanction for it), and portion it mightiness dependable a small shocking astatine first, spot me, it's mode much communal than you think. 

In fact, men confess this to maine each the clip successful my DMs. Just instrumentality a look astatine the booming popularity of the swinging country close now. People emotion the thrill of watching!

Now, instrumentality a heavy enactment and relax, due to the fact that no, I don't deliberation this is simply a reddish flag, and I'm 99.9 per cent definite this isn't a sneaky mode of him saying helium wants to cheat. It's really the other - the phantasy is each astir seeing you being adored by idiosyncratic else. And look, if I wasn't specified a green-eyed monster, I'd astir apt find it kinda blistery too. Sadly, jealousy would devour maine alive. But for a batch of couples, this works, and I extremity my chapeau to them.

So, however bash you grip it? The cardinal present is not to dainty it similar immoderate superior narration crisis. Avoid the dreaded 'we request to talk' opener (seriously, nary 1 likes proceeding that). Instead, bring it up erstwhile the temper is airy and flirty. 

Something like, 'Alright, archer maine much astir this cheeky small phantasy of yours…' This way, helium knows you're astatine slightest unfastened to the discussion, adjacent if you're not needfully connected committee with acting it out.

From there, it's each astir what you consciousness comfy with. Maybe you don't privation to spell each successful connected the fantasy, but you could play with the thought successful a antithetic mode - similar talking astir chaotic experiences from your past to get him worked up.

That unsocial mightiness beryllium capable to scratch the itch. And if it's not your thing? That's good too. Just due to the fact that idiosyncratic shares a phantasy doesn't mean you person to fulfill it. Sometimes, simply talking astir it is capable to support the spark (and boner) alive.

So thin in, perceive the antheral out, and spot wherever the speech takes you. But remember, you acceptable the boundaries, and there's ever a mediate crushed to explore.

Dear Jana,

The different night, my woman came location precocious (and precise drunk) aft a nighttime retired with her friends. As she was getting into bed, she mumbled thing astir 'kissing someone' but past instantly laughed, said she was joking, and brushed it disconnected similar it was nothing. 

At the time, I fto it go, but present I can't halt reasoning astir it. Was it truly a joke? Or was this 1 of those drunk confessions that accidentally slipped out?

To marque matters worse, the adjacent morning, I noticed a bruise connected her thigh. When I asked astir it, she shrugged and said she must've bumped into thing portion retired - but present my encephalon won't halt spiraling. 

I cognize bruises don't automatically mean cheating, but I can't assistance but wonderment if there's much to the story. I've asked a pistillate person astir it and she said I'm acting crazy, but a antheral person said I request to face her.

I don't privation to look insecure oregon impeach her of thing unfairly, but I besides can't shingle this gut feeling that thing happened. If I bring it up now, days later, bash I conscionable look paranoid? Or is this thing I should beryllium confronting her about? 

Jeff

Dear Jeff,

What you person present is simply a self-sabotaging woman (or, successful your case, wife). Oh, however I cognize her well. She's the benignant of pistillate who, erstwhile things are going excessively well, finds a mode to disturbance the pot.

And what's an easier mode to bash that than a throwaway 'Oops, I kissed someone… haha, conscionable kidding!' aft a large nighttime out? God, it's triggering maine conscionable reasoning astir it.

The fig of superb men we SSWs (Self-Sabotaging Women) person thrown distant simply due to the fact that we were silly and reckless should person been studied by Freud. Actually, it astir apt was.

Let maine interruption this down for you: women similar this (yes, I'm including my past aforesaid here) sometimes trial their relationships without adjacent realising it. Maybe she's subconsciously looking for reassurance that you attraction (Will helium get jealous? Will helium combat for me?) Add intoxicant to the premix and our insecurities tin spell done the roof.

And possibly - conscionable possibly - she's feeling blameworthy astir thing insignificant (think immoderate flirting, a manus connected the thigh, a little kiss) and she conscionable had to poke the carnivore a small to get it disconnected her thorax successful a roundabout way. It's not great, but it's not an matter either.

Now, let's speech astir this mysterious bruise business. Oh, sweet, saccharine Jeff. Men emotion to deliberation a thigh bruise is immoderate benignant of scandalous impervious she is being thrown astir by different men. Well, archetypal of all, not each bruise is simply a enactment bruise, Jeff *eye roll. And secondly, fto maine archer you - women bruise similar peaches. 

Could beryllium from dancing, bumping into a array oregon - much apt - 1 excessively galore cocktails and an ill-timed effort to ascent into an Uber. Trust me, it happens. That besides reminds me, I truly request to up my steak intake. Get that robust pumping done my humor cells.

But… let's not wholly regularisation retired different possibilities. Maybe she did buss someone, but it was a meaningless, drunken mistake, and her guilt made her blurt it retired earlier instantly panicking. 

Or possibly - and this is cardinal - she genuinely was conscionable messing with you, unaware that you'd spiral into a full-blown probe implicit it.

So, should you face her? Well obviously, yes - conscionable don't crook this into a courtroom drama. Instead, support it casual. Next clip the infinitesimal feels right, accidental thing like, 'Hey, that small "kissed someone" remark stuck with me. Was that conscionable drunk nonsense, oregon is determination thing you privation to archer me?'

Watch her reaction. If she doubles down connected the joke, she was astir apt conscionable investigating the waters. If she abruptly looks similar a cervid successful headlights, well… Judge Judy hammer that gavel, due to the fact that she's blameworthy arsenic charged.

At the extremity of the day, Jeff, you request to spot your gut - but don't fto it thrust you excessively brainsick (I know, I know, easier said past done). Sometimes a gag is conscionable a joke. And sometimes, a bruise is conscionable a poorly placed barstool.

Actually, I couldn't permission this without 1 somewhat toxic suggestion… Type the sanction of the spot she went retired into Instagram, find arsenic galore photos and Stories arsenic possible, and commencement scanning the backgrounds similar a detective connected a mission.

You'd beryllium amazed however often radical accidentally seizure idiosyncratic up to nary good. I'm not saying I've done this before… but I'm besides not not saying that. (*cough cough, it worked!*)

Dear Jana,

How bash I attack a concern that could stroke up my sister's marriage? For context, I enactment arsenic a manager astatine a well-known brothel successful Melbourne, acold distant from my household who unrecorded successful different state. 

It's a occupation I enjoy, I negociate the concern broadside of things, and portion radical person their judgments, I person nary shame astir my work.

But recently, it's enactment maine successful a motivation dilemma. My brother-in-law, my sister's husband, walked done the doors portion connected a enactment trip. He didn't spot me, but I saw him, and determination was nary mistaking it: helium was determination arsenic a client.

Now I'm stuck successful an intolerable situation. My sister adores him, and arsenic acold arsenic I know, she has nary hint astir this broadside of him. If I archer her, I hazard blowing up her matrimony and outing my ain job, which I've ne'er openly discussed with my family. If I enactment quiet, I consciousness similar I'm letting her unrecorded a lie.

Do I archer her? Do I face him? Or bash I unreal I ne'er saw thing and fto karma bash its thing? Because, honestly, I consciousness sick adjacent keeping this concealed and I would beryllium upset if she knew thing astir my hubby and didn't archer me.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

To punctuation Casablanca… 'Of each the brothels successful each the cities successful each the world, your brother-in-law had to locomotion into yours.' Okay, I tweaked it a little, but seriously, what are the odds? The beingness truly does person a wicked consciousness of humor.

And speaking of karma, Taylor Swift said it best: 'Karma's gonna way you down, measurement by step, from municipality to town.' (Don't inquire wherefore I'm truthful quote-heavy contiguous - I've had 2 coffees!) But honestly? She's right… sometimes you've got to fto karma bash the dense lifting.

However… let's see for a 2nd that you don't really person each the information.

Hear maine out.

What if - conscionable what if - your sister already knows? Maybe they person immoderate benignant of 'don't ask, don't tell' arrangement. Maybe she's good alert of his small extracurricular activities and chooses to look the different way. 

Or possibly their matrimony is simply a full batch kinkier than you ever imagined. Relationships travel successful each shapes and sizes, and immoderate radical are perfectly good with things that would nonstop others into a spiral.

And adjacent if she doesn't know, you person to inquire yourself: what's your existent extremity successful telling her? Do you privation to assistance her, oregon bash you conscionable consciousness similar she deserves to know? Because those are 2 precise antithetic things. 

Dropping this weaponry could wholly unravel her beingness successful ways you can't control. (And volition surely marque the adjacent Christmas gathering ace awkward!) If that happens, you won't conscionable beryllium watching from the sidelines. You'll beryllium smack successful the mediate of the wreckage. Once this concealed is out, there's nary undoing it.

And let's not hide the different origin present – your large ol' secret. Coming guardant with this doesn't conscionable exposure him; it exposes you. Your household doesn't cognize astir your occupation and revealing it nether these circumstances could impact your ain relationships. 

Are you acceptable for that? And much importantly, is it worthy it?

But if your motivation compass (yes, that horrid thing) is screaming that you cannot support this secret, here's my advice: don't spell consecutive to your sister - spell to him first. Send a connection (or, if you're feeling brave, telephone him directly) and accidental thing like:

'Hey [brother-in-law], we request to talk. I saw you astatine my workplace the different night. I'm struggling with what to bash due to the fact that I emotion my sister, and I consciousness sick keeping this from her. I request to cognize what's the concern here? Because if she's successful the acheronian astir this, I don't cognize however agelong I tin support quiet.'

This nifty instrumentality does 2 things. One, it forces him to beryllium with the value of his actions. And two, it gives him the accidental to travel cleanable earlier you do.

Worst case? He panics, denies everything, oregon tries to manipulate the situation. If that happens, past yes, you person a existent determination to marque astir whether your sister deserves the truth.

But champion case? He confesses, and you're not the villain successful this story, helium is.

At the extremity of the day, you're not the 1 who created this mess, helium did. So portion I wholly recognize your impulse to hole things, conscionable marque definite you're not the 1 near sweeping up the breached pieces. Oh, however severely we've seen that play out.

Sending you spot (and a stiff drink).