John Oliver Joins ‘The Daily Show’ to Declare America’s ‘Monarchy Era’

John Oliver joined Jon Stewart on the most recent episode of The Daily Show to discuss the state of affairs in the U.S., including the many departures Donald Trump is taking from the Constitution.

Towards the end of Stewart’s monologue, the late-night host noted, “It’s been a good run, America, it looks like we’re becoming less like the constitutional republic it’s been for 250 years and more like the monarchy that we all fought to escape from.” Oliver, a former correspondent on The Daily Show, then emerged from the wings to “gloat” about this reality.

“The prodigal son appears to have returned,” Oliver proclaimed, adding, “I am here to gloat. America had its little fun, experimenting with democracy. You fought so hard to get away from us, acting up, throwing all that tea into the harbor, you still owe us for that, by the way.”

He continued, “The point is you told everyone you were going to be different. You weren’t going to turn out like the mean old dad that was horrible to you growing up, so we sat back and we let you spend your wild teen years, experimenting with your ridiculous ideas of checks and balances because deep down we knew that once you got that nonsense out of your system, you’d be back… Let me be the first to welcome America to its monarchy era. Congratulations everyone, you can now take your place in the pantheon of great empires alongside the British, the Roman, the Klingon, Wakanda, whatever the Babar elephant was the ruler of, I forget.”

“Hold on,” Stewart interrupted. “America, yes, we are having a bit of trouble with democratic governance. But I don’t think we want to abandon our republic and go full empire.”

“Don’t fight being a monarchy. Embrace it. Kings get shit done,” Oliver responded. “Now, is it stuff you want done? Not necessarily but they do move quick, they taste cumin at lunch and take over entire continents by dinner time. That is how the British roll. Fuck everyone else, they’re not like us.”

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Stewart then pointed out that things “didn’t end up so great for the British empire.”

“First of all, how dare you?” Oliver said. “We are technically between empires at the moment, but we’re keeping our castles warm and our crowns bejeweled for the day that we get back onto our feet.”

He added, “The imperial model isn’t for you? Have you seen anything America has done over the last 50 years? Because for a country that doesn’t want to be an empire, you’re doing a pretty fucking good impression of one right now. Invasions, economic exploitations, and now suggesting turning Gaza into a beachfront casino? Even King George would have been like ‘I don’t know guys, feels like the situation is a bit more complicated than that and I’m literally dying of medieval brain disease.’”

Earlier on the late-night show, Stewart reflected on the Super Bowl, Trump’s appearance during the big game, and the chaotic response of Eagles fans to their win. He also discussed Trump’s plan to reverse the Joe Biden’s policy on plastic straws.

“Okay, he’s right on this one,” Stewart admitted of Trump’s declaration about how paper straws “disgustingly dissolve” in your mouth. “He is right on this one. Those straws are fucking terrible. Objectively terrible. I’m supposed to have some weird tissue paper dissolve in my mouth because turtles can’t figure out straws aren’t food?”