'Like Kelsey Parker I had a baby after losing my husband, it brought up so much pain and joy'

There’s a partition of photos successful Peta O’Brien-Day’s eating room. In the colourful Ikea frames are shots of household and friends, day parties and holidays. But 2 pictures are peculiarly precious.

"They seizure the days my children were born," explains the marque strategist and copywriter, 41, from Hungerford, West Berkshire. In 1 she holds a tiny Ethan, present 12, and successful the different it’s newborn Erica, present five. "There’s Mark successful the first," Peta explains, "and Nick successful the second. My 2 husbands and the 2 large loves of my life."

Just similar Kelsey Parker, who mislaid her hubby Tom astatine 32 successful 2022, Peta has navigated the heartbreak of being a young widow. And similar Kelsey, who has conscionable announced her 3rd pregnancy, Peta recovered emotion again.

She met her archetypal hubby Mark O’Brien successful April 2005, erstwhile they were some students astatine University of Bath. "I was astatine a enactment erstwhile I looked up and saw a precise tall, precise smiley Welshman, with the astir gorgeous arms I’d ever seen successful my life!" she laughs.

"We talked for hours, helium asked for my fig and wrong weeks we some knew that it was love." Engaged successful October 2007 the mates said their vows successful July 2008. "I was 25 and helium was 26, but portion we were young, we didn’t person immoderate doubts."

The mates were thrilled to beryllium expecting their archetypal kid successful March 2012. "Mark was truthful excited astir becoming a dada and I couldn’t hold to beryllium a mum." The commencement of their lad Ethan didn’t spell to plan. "After an uneventful pregnancy I was successful labour for 75 hours, and erstwhile Ethan got stuck, I was rushed successful for an exigency caesarean. I ended up delivering nether wide anaesthetic and losing 4 litres of blood."

Once recovered their beingness settled down into a blessed rhythm. "Mark adored Ethan and loved being a dad. It made maine truthful blessed to spot Mark singing to him and playing together. They were champion friends from the start."

The mates initially decided not to person much children, until February 2014 erstwhile Peta’s dada died. "I felt specified enactment from my siblings that successful March I said to Mark, ‘I don’t privation Ethan to beryllium unsocial if thing happened to us.’ That’s erstwhile we started trying for different baby."

Then successful Easter Mark began feeling tired. "It was truthful strange, due to the fact that Mark was truthful acceptable and healthy. Even aft a vacation to Portugal with Mark’s household helium was exhausted."

The GP agreed to tests, successful July helium underwent an ultrasound and biopsy of his tummy and successful August Mark walked into the consultant’s room. "When the doc said it was advanced tummy cancer Mark broke down. I sat determination with Ethan connected my thigh successful full shock. Mark was lone 32, we had this beauteous kid together. How could this perchance beryllium real?"

"The crab was assertive but successful those atrocious weeks we were truthful determined to absorption connected ‘fighting’ the illness that we refused to sermon a volition fto unsocial a funeral. Anything similar that felt similar admitting defeat."

In October Mark was admitted to hospice care. "That’s erstwhile Mark said that astatine immoderate point, I would astir apt conscionable idiosyncratic else, and that I shouldn’t consciousness blameworthy astir it. I froze, instantly brushing it off. It was unbearable to adjacent deliberation astir specified a possibility.

"On October 30, 2014, Mark died. I was 31, had mislaid the emotion of my beingness and, successful that moment, my full world fell apart.

"The adjacent 2 years were a blur. Struggling with grief but focusing connected what Ethan needed, putting 1 ft successful beforehand of the different with the assistance of astonishing friends and family, I did my champion to get done each day. But it was heartbreaking to deliberation of what beingness should person been similar for maine and Ethan."

Peta developed a analyzable narration with the connection widow. "Sometimes it was adjuvant to explicate to idiosyncratic wherever I was successful my life. But arsenic soon arsenic you accidental the connection everything changes. I’d spot disorder arsenic radical realised however young I was, past panic arsenic they disquieted that they’d said thing insensitive. Most of the clip I’d extremity up comforting them, which was exhausting."

In January 2017, astatine 35, romance was the past happening connected Peta’s mind. "Then my 3 champion girlfriends came over, poured immoderate vino and asked me, ‘Are you going to day again? We deliberation you’re ready.'

"I had a 100 thoughts. How overmuch I loved and missed Mark. How lonely it was to beryllium raising a kid alone. That I was lone young and had hopefully a agelong beingness up of me. I didn’t deliberation for 1 2nd that I’d find love, but for the archetypal clip felt that possibly it would beryllium fun."

So, Peta created an online dating profile. "I made it wide successful my illustration that I was a widow and a mother. I wasn’t funny successful spending clip with idiosyncratic who was going to beryllium weirded retired oregon annoyed by the information that I had a child."

The archetypal 2 matches didn’t spell anyplace ('one feline spent 20 minutes talking astir roundabouts'), past successful February she met Nick Day. He was 37, ran his ain plot machinery concern and had ne'er been joined oregon had children.

"I saw him lasting extracurricular the municipality hallway waiting for maine and thought, ‘he’s bully looking’, and it conscionable got amended from there. The hours flew past, and we spoke astir Mark and Ethan successful a earthy mode that didn’t consciousness weird astatine all. Nick was beauteous and benignant and I spent the full evening laughing."

Peta was amazed to realise that wrong weeks she was processing feelings for this funny, caring man. "I knew determination was thing existent here, conscionable arsenic I had erstwhile I’d met Mark. Nick was truthful amusive and casual to beryllium with. He made maine happy."

Three weeks aft their archetypal day she introduced him to Ethan, past five. "One person was disquieted that it was excessively quick. But if Nick didn’t vibe with Ethan past it was amended to cognize earlier anyone’s feelings got hurt. I was truly tense beforehand, and I could archer Nick was too. Thankfully helium and Ethan got connected brilliantly from the 2nd they met."

Despite looking thing alike, determination were traits that Nick shared with Mark. "Like Mark, Nick looked aft the radical astir him, helium paid attraction and was ever benignant and considerate. They some loved cars and were precise funny.’

"Six weeks aft we met Nick said, ‘I emotion you,’ and I realised I felt the same. I knew it was fast. But erstwhile you’ve seen however precious beingness is, and however rapidly things tin beryllium snatched distant from you, you realise there’s nary constituent successful playing games. If you find love, you person to drawback it with some hands."

But falling successful emotion again meant a scope of caller challenges. There was the archetypal clip idiosyncratic assumed Nick was Ethan’s dad. "We were astatine a summertime just erstwhile a woman referred to Nick arsenic Ethan’s daddy. Quick arsenic a flash helium replied, ‘That’s not my daddy, my daddy died.’ He made it dependable arsenic if Mark had died 5 minutes ago, and I was already disconnected galivanting. After a mortifying fewer minutes I conscionable laughed astir it."

Living unneurotic was different large step. "In May Nick moved into a location that Mark, Ethan and and I had created. I didn’t cognize however it would consciousness to spot his apparel successful the wardrobe oregon toothbrush successful the bathroom.

"But thankfully by taking things slowly, and due to the fact that Nick fto maine pb the way, it wasn’t unusual astatine all. Nick was astonishing with Ethan and the enslaved they developed was astonishing to see."

It helped that Peta was precise wide from the commencement that Mark would ever beryllium portion of their family. "Nick knew that we’d person photos of Mark astatine home, that we’d talk astir him, archer Ethan astir each the traits helium shared with his dada and people his day and the day of his death. That was a non-negotiable for maine and Nick ever respected that."

Peta’s biggest worry? "I was terrified to archer Mark’s household astir what was happening. I loved and respected them truthful overmuch and wouldn’t wounded them for the world."

After speaking to Nick’s brothers connected the telephone (‘they were incredibly supportive’) Peta decided to talk to Mark’s parents successful idiosyncratic successful December.

"Sitting astatine their meal array I was petrified. I took a heavy enactment and explained that I’d met someone, and we were successful a relationship. Thankfully astatine that constituent Ethan piped up to say, ‘he’s great!’ which made maine smile."

"Marks’ parents were beauteous astir it. I knew the symptom of their nonaccomplishment and grief, and however unusual it was for them to perceive my news. So, to cognize they loved maine capable to enactment maine felt incredible."

With communal respect and changeless communication, the emotion betwixt Peta, Nick and Ethan lone grew. Nick met Mark’s friends and household (‘everyone could spot what a fantastic antheral helium was’) and erstwhile Nick projected successful November 2017, Peta knew people’s happiness for them was genuine.

"But erstwhile you’re a widow each measurement successful a narration is complicated. There’s sadness arsenic good arsenic joy, remembering the idiosyncratic whose gone arsenic good arsenic loving the idiosyncratic close determination successful beforehand of you."

Which meant wedding readying wasn’t each astir caterers and euphony choices. "I was determined that the wedding wouldn’t connote successful immoderate mode that my time with Mark had been inferior.’

"This wasn’t astir having a ‘do-over’, oregon astir maine moving connected and starting a caller family, leaving the aged 1 behind. This was astir Nick and his household joining ours. Ethan, who was Nick’s champion antheral astatine conscionable six, was astatine the bosom of everything successful August 2018 it was the astir astonishing day."

Deciding connected past names was tricky. ‘We needed to find a mode to respect Mark and his family, arsenic good arsenic Nick’s. We decided that portion Nick would enactment arsenic a ‘Day’, Ethan and I would person the treble tube ‘O’Brien-Day’. That conscionable felt right.’

Ethan was besides astatine the centre of the adjacent large household measurement – getting a sibling. "We told him erstwhile I was conscionable six weeks large successful May 2019, and helium adjacent came to the scans. It whitethorn not beryllium what different radical bash but it was close for us. We didn’t privation him to consciousness that this was thing Nick and I were doing, it was a measurement we were taking arsenic a family.

"I thought astir it similar a tree. I wasn’t chopping down the trunk that had grown with Mark and planting a caller 1 with Nick. With our matrimony and past a caller baby, Nick, Ethan and I were creating a caller branch. Everything we’d created with Mark was inactive there, arsenic important arsenic ever."

Pregnancy did bring up hard moments. ‘Opening bags of Ethan’s babe apparel and remembering Mark’s excitement, was painful. The unfairness of his death, the nonaccomplishment to Ethan of knowing his dada arsenic helium grew up, and the cognition that Mark and I had wanted a sibling for Ethan, was ever determination conscionable nether the surface. The symptom of that ne'er disappeared.’

But honouring Mark didn’t instrumentality distant from the joyousness they each felt erstwhile Erica was calved successful January 2020. And that’s the analyzable world that Kelsey whitethorn good beryllium facing.

"I’m truthful blessed for her and conscionable anticipation that she doesn’t look immoderate judgement for falling successful emotion again and having different child.

"I’d similar radical to beryllium compassionate erstwhile they spot a concern they don’t needfully understand. Losing a hubby is devastating and until you’ve walked successful our shoes, you’ll ne'er cognize the challenges, oregon however you’d respond to them."

Peta’s beingness is present filled with happiness, and the cognition that who you emotion truly isn’t a zero-sum game.

"I emotion Mark present and ever will, and that doesn’t mean I emotion Nick immoderate less. I look astatine the photos connected my partition and consciousness incredibly fortunate to person had 2 large loves successful my life. I’m grateful for them some each day."