LOUISE THOMPSON: I'm flaky, can take weeks to reply to a WhatsApp and am notorious for cancelling plans. Does this make me a bad friend - or have I learnt the fine art of 'life editing'?

I've ne'er been asked to beryllium a bridesmaid. I don't person immoderate godchildren. I americium flaky: I tin instrumentality weeks to reply to a WhatsApp and I americium notorious for cancelling plans. Does this marque maine dependable similar a atrocious friend? Or person I conscionable learnt the good creation of beingness editing?

When I was increasing up I wanted to beryllium friends with everyone. I had to beryllium invited to each event. I ever felt somewhat antithetic to everyone other truthful did everything I could to blend successful and beryllium accepted: archer maine a messy bun was chill and I'd person 1 successful my hairsbreadth the pursuing day. 

Tell maine your favourite movie was True Romance and I'd ticker it conscionable truthful I could articulation successful the conversation. I was hopeless to beryllium liked.

I tried truthful hard and, arsenic a result, I was invited to day parties, weddings, babe showers – the lot. It was some exhilarating and exhausting. So however person I gone from being friends with everyone to asking my therapist past Monday whether I've got committedness issues.

The brutal information is that these days, arsenic I've aged and beingness has go 1 agelong to-do list, I've chosen to prioritise low-maintenance friendships. There's conscionable nary clip oregon vigor for radical who inquire excessively overmuch of me, and I surely nary longer person clip for 20 'best friends'.

I volition crook 35 adjacent month; I enactment afloat time; I person a three-year-old; I person a chronic wellness condition; and similar astir of us, beingness accent has enactment my narration done the mill astatine times. 

Whoever said that you tin lone prime 2 retired of work, household and societal beingness knew a happening oregon 2 astir being busy.

So these days I person loads of acquaintances, but I truly lone person 3 friends. We don't expect the satellite from each other, but determination is simply a communal respect. 

We volition ever beryllium determination done a breakup, a kid catastrophe, a enactment dilemma oregon a wellness issue, but we don't request to pass regular astir gossip. There's nary guilt-tripping implicit unreturned texts, nary sulking implicit a last-minute meal cancellation – we're each aligned successful the tacit knowing that if 1 of america cancels past it's thing personal; if anything, it's usually a immense alleviation to all. Are we antisocial? Maybe.

Calling them 'convenience friendships' sounds dismissive, but they are convenient.

Why does that request to beryllium a antagonistic thing? We unrecorded adjacent by, we person akin interests, we are portion of a akin network, we stock the aforesaid problems, we person the aforesaid adust humour. Being with these friends leaves maine feeling truly uplifted: they are radiators not drains.

A cleanable illustration – my champion person Olivia, who I person known since I was 15 years old, got joined successful 2018. She didn't inquire maine to organise her hen do, nor did she inquire maine to beryllium a bridesmaid – and I didn't adjacent deliberation that was weird. I saw it precisely for what it was – a motion that she cares capable not to load maine with a relation that we some cognize I'd beryllium rubbish astatine and which would origin maine accent implicit not being capable to deliver.

I tin beryllium amusive company, I'm a bully listener and I'm loyal – but I volition ne'er beryllium the idiosyncratic who organises a play distant for 20 radical or, if I americium being honest, reliably turns up connected clip (even connected a time arsenic important arsenic my champion friend's wedding!). A existent person is idiosyncratic who knows each that astir you and loves you anyway.

High-maintenance friends, connected the different hand, consciousness entitled to your time. They tin beryllium needy oregon melodramatic and I person nary clip for play – I spent 15 years connected a peculiarly melodramatic TV amusement and my existent beingness is rather capable of a rollercoaster arsenic it is.

'You are the mean of the 5 radical you walk the astir clip with' is simply a punctuation from the precocious American motivational talker Jim Rohn. If helium was right, past it's precise important to walk clip with radical you privation to beryllium like, radical you find attractive. I would accidental it is arsenic important to cognize erstwhile to fto spell of a toxic friendship.

I person 1 woman who repeatedly falls retired with not conscionable 1 adjacent person but galore of them, including the godparents of her children. She picks radical up and drops them. Then during the 'break-up' signifier she bitches astir that idiosyncratic nonstop, lone to get backmost unneurotic with them again a period oregon truthful later.

I recovered this love/hate precise confusing and the incessant gossiping during the break-up signifier made maine interest that if she was saying specified horrendous things astir the godparents of her children, what connected world was she saying astir maine and each different idiosyncratic she draws successful close? I particularly disquieted astir this erstwhile I was sick.

In the end, I had to make immoderate space. I realised that immoderate radical lone forge friendships based connected their dislike of others. It's textbook teenage bully behaviour with a portion of terrible manipulation, each done successful an effort to emergence to the apical and summation that rubric of 'queen bee'.

There are a fewer radical who marque maine consciousness similar I'm connected a archetypal day adjacent though I've known them for years. Then determination are those who are good-time enactment friends. 

I had 1 schoolhouse person who I could lone beryllium myself astir erstwhile we were drinking and smoking heavily. It was blackout drunk oregon nothing. Trawling the Fulham Road for a 24-hour diner to devour burgers and ending up backmost astatine immoderate stranger's mews location until 6am. 

Then during lockdown I knew I wanted to effort for a baby, but didn't consciousness that I could archer her due to the fact that she was single, and decidedly not trying for a baby, and I thought she wouldn't understand. In a reasonably cowardly move, I decided it would beryllium easier to chopped her disconnected than to archer her I wanted to bash a afloat 180 connected my manner and halt drinking truthful that I could get pregnant.

Now that I've been sober for precisely 4 years I tin spot myself capable to beryllium astir chaotic drinkers, though I prime and take my moments wisely.

When I was past speaking to C, my therapist, I wondered aloud whether I was doing beingness 'right' oregon 'wrong' due to the fact that I hadn't replied to a perfectly beauteous section mum person who had invited maine connected a precise blase family-friendly Alpine holiday. 

She has a lad the aforesaid property arsenic Leo and we bump into 1 different astatine the swings successful the parkland oregon astatine shot practice. She's ever truthful affable and intelligibly 1 of those women who's large astatine putting connected effortlessly chill meal parties and introducing like-minded radical to 1 another. She would decidedly beryllium asked to beryllium her champion friend's bridesmaid.

C's omniscient words were that I person to enactment myself archetypal and that the close radical volition understand.

She's right, of course, but determination is inactive a portion of 'old me' lurking successful the backmost of my encephalon that loves the thought of being liked by this stylish, friendly, well-connected pistillate who knows the 'most desirable residences' successful Chamonix (with round-the-clock childcare).

Then again, she does look similar 1 of those efficient, organised types and I'd lone extremity up taking months to reply to her dinner-party spreadsheet. It would ne'er last!