My date couldn’t believe what I pulled out of my purse

Sorry, but I’ve ever thought that the cinema is simply a dire prime for a date (also not atrocious – spell retired for dinner, coffee, oregon a walk. It’s not that hard, people!).

The worst dates I’ve been connected person been to the cinema (even worse than the antheral I met connected Tinder called Tony Stark who – genuinely – had ne'er seen Iron Man oregon Game of Thrones). 

I’ve fallen asleep, drooling connected the enarthrosis of my date’s Superdry top; I’ve had achy trapped upwind from holding successful a fart for excessively long, and was erstwhile truthful bare that my rumbling tummy reverberated during a melodramatic decease scene.

There was the lad who took maine to spot the archetypal Transformers movie and sat, unmoved, successful full silence, earlier giving my fig to his friend. (It’s OK, helium had a Thirty Seconds to Mars tattoo anyway, and his mate was overmuch fitter – we dated for astir a year).

Not to notation it’s dark. So acheronian that you can’t spot what you’re doing.

One lad tried to clasp my hand, but ‘accidentally’ got my boob; different tried to buss me, but ended up kissing my chemoreceptor arsenic helium couldn’t find my mouth. 

But that each pales successful examination to what happened connected 1 of my archetypal dates with Adam*. 

We were successful our Twilight era, and the movie had conscionable travel out, truthful helium invited maine to spell spot it. 

Adam had adjacent asked to get each my Twilight books which, backmost then, I thought was the sexiest, astir intelligence happening going. It inactive makes maine cringe adjacent now, aged 31.

That, and the information that helium had agelong hairsbreadth and was successful a set made maine consciousness similar I was successful my precise ain Geordie mentation of a rom-com.

I was excited astir being unsocial with him – and successful the dark. Fantasised astir him holding my manus crossed the limb rest, oregon adjacent touching my leg…

It each felt romanticist to 15-year-old me. I adjacent retrieve fretting astir what to deterioration for an embarrassing magnitude of clip earlier our date, ending up with the classical shorts and tights combo (great for immoderate limb action!) and astir apt 1 of his set t-shirts from his seemingly endless supply.

I begged my mam for her lipstick, too, feeling similar it would springiness maine the aerial of a pistillate who had her s**t together, and wasn’t studying for her GCSEs.

I don’t deliberation I breathed oregon moved passim the full film. Blame nerves, oregon the unsettling attractiveness of the undead, emo Edward Cullen. Adam was conscionable arsenic invested.

Even now, I inactive grin astatine the hazy representation of our nail-varnished hands intertwined. Life was truthful elemental backmost past erstwhile each you had to interest astir was oxbow lakes, Stephenie Meyer and losing your virginity, wasn’t it?

As the credits started to roll, with the committedness of a Paramore soundtrack, I felt a buss brewing. This was what I dreamed about, what I subscribed to Cosmo and work Louise Rennison novels for.

I had to beryllium acceptable for this moment. It was the cleanable setting, and it had to beryllium perfect. I had to beryllium perfect.

Scrambling astir successful my bag, I wanted to rapidly popular my mam’s lipstick connected earlier the lights came up. Have the aerial that it’d been perfectly applied the full time, and not smudged by nervously eating popcorn…

Found it.

Smiling, and pursing my lips. I popped the shiny, cylindrical shaped conduit to my lips arsenic the lights came up…

Adam’s grin dropped quicker than his balls.

‘Em… what the f’**k are you doing?’ helium said, his eyes wide and look arsenic airy arsenic Edward’s.

My tummy dropped arsenic I looked down.

I was holding a tampon.

I thought my plastic-wrapped, non-applicator tampon was my mam’s bloody lipstick. I was horrified.

Thankfully, Adam saw the comic broadside and burst retired laughing – which was infectious, and rather soothing erstwhile I wished the cinema’s sticky carpets would swallow maine whole.

At 15, you didn’t situation speech to boys astir periods, adjacent if you were dating them, ne'er caput being caught dormant holding a tampon.

Adam comforted me, and adjacent gave maine a kiss, mounting the code for a beauteous bully first-boyfriend-experience, to beryllium honest. 

Still, each these years on, I’m mortified to deliberation astir it. I can’t flight the thought of my shame erstwhile I spell to the cinema, adjacent now.

He ne'er did springiness maine my Twilight books back, either.

This nonfiction was primitively published August 10, 2024

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