My father paid for me to lose my virginity to a Spanish waitress when I was 16. It's ruined my life... and means I can't find a loving relationship

Last summertime I was connected determination with immoderate enactment colleagues. We had conscionable finished six months' probe connected a caller archaeological dig. At the 'wrap' enactment we each ended up backmost astatine my apartment, wherever the drinks flowed.

There were 10 of us, a reasonably adjacent premix of men and women, astir of america successful our 50s, and arsenic the nighttime tipped implicit into the tiny hours, the speech turned to the salty taxable of our enactment lives.

Then immoderate agleam spark suggested going circular the country and asking erstwhile we each mislaid our virginity. There were the accustomed tales: drunken fumbles nether piles of coats astatine parties and rushed couplings connected the neighbour's sofa portion babysitting. Then it was my turn.

'I mislaid my virginity aged 16 to a beauteous older Spanish miss connected the past nighttime of a vacation successful Ibiza,' I said. 'We'd gone for a midnight aquatics and past afterwards, with the moonlight reflecting connected our warm, bare bodies, and the waves pulsing connected the shoreline successful clip to our racing hearts, we made emotion connected the sand.'

The country went silent, arsenic it ever did erstwhile I told this story. I'd won.

The men successful the assemblage declared maine 'a fortunate b*****d', portion the women wistfully said that's however they would person loved their archetypal clip to be.

Yet I chose to permission retired the remainder of the details, due to the fact that that's erstwhile things rapidly spell from Mills & Boon to sordid.

Because my father, I recovered retired later, paid that miss to person enactment with me. And it remains the biggest root of shame and regret successful my life, the results of which I inactive consciousness today.

Shocking arsenic it sounds, connected reflection you mightiness deliberation that – compared to galore people's archetypal experiences – it's not the worst mode to suffer your virginity; that I should see myself a fortunate so-and-so for having had an adept usher successful my archetypal intersexual encounter.

Yet my father's ethically questionable endeavour to 'make a antheral of me' that vacation had specified a antagonistic interaction connected my teenage psyche that I'm convinced it's the crushed I've ne'er been capable to support a long-term, loving narration with a woman.

Today, I'm 57, and much than 40 years aft it happened, it kills maine to confess it remains the champion intersexual acquisition I person ever had – and 1 I've ne'er been capable to replicate with anyone else.

I recognise that I should person had therapy for this a agelong clip ago, if lone to quell the rage I consciousness towards my father.

There are truthful galore unanswered questions I person for him. Why did helium presume I needed his assistance – and his wealth – to seduce a woman? Did helium dainty each women similar this? Was enactment conscionable a transactional statement for him? Did helium regularly usage prostitutes himself?

I think, heavy down, I cognize the reply to that one.

Dad died 5 years ago, and I regret each time of his passing. Not lone due to the fact that I miss him (I do), but due to the fact that I ne'er had the backbone to inquire him – why? As it is, I'm not adjacent definite if helium ever knew that I'd recovered retired what he'd done.

A palmy and affluent banker, Dad divided from my parent erstwhile I was five, and I didn't truly cognize him.

Each summer, my older sister Nellie and I would permission our Wiltshire location and beryllium packaged disconnected to walk a period with him successful immoderate exotic location. He ne'er acceptable boundaries oregon treated america arsenic his children. I deliberation helium saw america arsenic an experiment, sending america disconnected to play with locals and seeing however we would cope.

When I was 16 and my sister was 18, Dad took america to Ibiza for the summer. This was successful the aboriginal 1980s, erstwhile determination was a large alternate eco hippy assemblage scene; we loved it.

I was a quiet, introverted lad and this, I tin present see, disturbed Dad. He was a immense quality who could commencement a speech successful an bare room, and had that fizzing benignant of intersexual vigor you'd subordinate with the pb vocalist of a band, moving from 1 dazzlingly charismatic pistillate to another. I fishy helium was secretly despairing that I was turning into a precise antithetic antheral to him.

Dad, similar clockwork, asked maine each summer: 'Popped your cherry yet, Seb?' My continued blushes served arsenic his answer.

By the clip I had turned 16 – inactive shy and bookish, my assurance not helped by predominant acne breakouts – helium adjacent asked maine if I really knew astir the birds and the bees. Shortly afterwards, a transcript of the Kama Sutra turned up connected my bedside table.

So I became his task that summer, arsenic helium endeavoured to impart immoderate of his alpha-male attributes. He taught maine however to food – not with a rod, but however to dive utilizing lone a mask, snorkel and harpoons. When the prima began to set, we would spell to his favourite family-run barroom and restaurant. One of the young women we would spot there, Maria, took a radiance to maine – oregon truthful it seemed.

She would unreserved implicit effusively to spot us, giving america generous plates of olives, breadstuff and garlicky aioli, and we'd chat astatine the extremity of her shift.

She was lone 3 years older than me, and with her young, steadfast body, long, achromatic hairsbreadth and sun-kissed skin, she became the taxable of my feverish teenage fantasies.

I was acold excessively shy to inquire her out, however, and with our departure day drafting near, Dad evidently decided to measurement in.

On our last night, determination was a enactment successful Maria's parents' restaurant. Once the guitars started playing, Dad and Nellie took to the creation floor, portion Maria sidled implicit and asked whether I'd ever indulged successful a midnight aquatics – I hadn't.

She took maine to a quiescent cove wherever we skinny-dipped and, afterwards, she began to buss maine and guided my hands implicit her body, carefully, dilatory seducing me, making sure, astatine each step, what we were doing was what I wanted.

It was the archetypal clip I had touched a woman's breasts oregon seen a woman's bare assemblage successful existent life.

Not surprisingly, the enactment itself was implicit successful moments, but Maria held maine successful her arms afterwards, telling maine however astonishing I was and however overmuch she liked me. And I believed her.

I packed for our formation location the adjacent greeting successful a love-sick daze, replaying each erotic infinitesimal successful my mind, aching for conscionable 1 much kiss.

Yet it wasn't to be. When we dropped by the edifice to accidental goodbye, I told Maria we were going and she simply replied: 'I know.' Addresses and telephone numbers were not exchanged. I climbed successful the taxi and near – my bosom broken.

We were successful the airdrome bar, awaiting our flight, erstwhile the veil was lifted connected my beauteous night, revealing it for what it was.

Dad was holding tribunal with immoderate of his friends and Nellie was disconnected buying magazines erstwhile I overheard him picture however helium had paid Maria to seduce me. 'The lad needed to cognize however things work!' helium said, arsenic everyone guffawed.

I inched person and listened, appalled, arsenic helium explained however a batch of the women who worked astatine that barroom earned other currency sleeping with the clientele. It was nary large deal, apparently.

I retrieve feeling nauseous, going blistery and acold the full travel home. Until I'd heard Dad, I had been convinced that a miss yet liked maine for being me.

More than that, that she had really fancied maine capable to privation to person enactment with me. To realise it was each a sham – and that my ain begetter considered maine to beryllium specified a hopeless lawsuit –was utterly devastating.

Back successful England, Mum was disquieted that I had picked up a bug, whereas my sister joked that I was successful love. I couldn't archer either of them the truth; I conscionable wanted to expunge the full humiliating nighttime from my mind.

Eventually, I confided successful Nellie. She simply told maine that I should see myself lucky. And that was that.

Shaken, my adjacent intersexual acquisition wasn't until a mates of years later, with a miss I met astatine the University of York. I was her archetypal person and, a mates of months into our relationship, I made the mistake of confessing to her what had happened.

She was, successful turn, fascinated and utterly appalled. After that, whenever we had a enactment it was the archetypal happening she would bring up, telling maine connected 1 occasion: 'At slightest I wasn't hopeless capable for enactment that my dada had to wage idiosyncratic to slumber with me.'

I made a committedness ne'er to archer aboriginal girlfriends aft that.

But I ne'er got arsenic acold arsenic having immoderate different girlfriends astatine university. It wasn't that I didn't privation to person enactment – I inactive fantasised astir Maria, my assemblage responding accordingly successful a mode that made maine consciousness horribly manipulated – but I didn't privation to hazard existent intimacy, to enactment myself successful a presumption wherever I would beryllium susceptible again.

While I did slumber with immoderate of the women successful my relationship circle, astatine the backmost of my caput the full clip was this question: did they really similar me, oregon was determination different crushed for them being successful furniture with me?

Throughout my 20s I was successful and retired of relationships – contempt Dad's fears for my future, I matured into a tall, broad-shouldered antheral whose diversion looks were accompanied by a quiescent outward assurance that women recovered compelling – but I could ne'er get past those aboriginal stages of falling successful lust and having sex. Whenever emotions went beyond that, I was out.

It was uncommon that I would person enactment sober, due to the fact that whenever I did, I struggled with maintaining an erection. I'd over-think the enactment and a intelligence representation would intrude of my begetter handing implicit crumpled notes to the pistillate I was astir to slumber with.

I wasn't anserine – I knew I needed to enactment these circling thoughts to bed, but I didn't cognize how.

Against my amended instinct, I got joined successful my mid-30s. Helen was perfect. She was a intelligence wellness nurse, had endless patience and I had adjacent told her astir what happened. She had lone compassion for my younger aforesaid (which, connected reflection, was possibly the worst effect due to the fact that I often saw pity successful her eyes).

By now, my rational caput knew my begetter had, misguidedly, meant well. Yet portion we ne'er spoke astir it, I could ne'er forgive him for it. Whenever I tried to speech to Nellie astir it, she would unopen maine down, admonishing maine for 'over-thinking things' and reminding maine that our puerility was a beauteous decent one.

And yes, she's close – it was. But adjacent so, losing my virginity successful specified a mode inactive formed a shadiness implicit my life.

It adjacent haunted maine connected my wedding day. Dad insisted connected giving a code (and I couldn't halt him due to the fact that helium paid for astir of it), which meant that, alternatively than enjoying the day, I was perfectly petrified of what helium was going to say.

He wouldn't bring that up, would he? Knowing however mercurial helium could be, I wouldn't person enactment it past him.

Thankfully, helium didn't. But, nevertheless, my memories are tainted, erstwhile again, by what happened successful Ibiza.

Helen and I divided aft six years. She wanted stability; for maine to halt accepting projects that took maine overseas, but I couldn't (or, truthfully, wouldn't).

To my mind, each our problems led backmost to the bedroom. Whenever I instigated sex, if Helen was thing little than wildly enthusiastic I assumed she was lone doing it due to the fact that she felt atrocious for me.

And tendency is simply a comic thing. Though that nighttime connected the formation would yet beryllium truthful traumatic, it had been fantastic successful the moment, and by happening astatine specified a formative property it had indelibly shaped my intersexual roadworthy representation and consciousness of arousal.

I wanted Helen to replicate Maria's movements, her touch. While Helen wanted the lights connected erstwhile we made love, I preferred them off, conjuring the velvety blackness of that lukewarm Spanish night. I hated myself for it.

Helen did suggest I spot a enactment therapist. No convey you. That's not to for maine – and, ultimately, we weren't to beryllium for each other.

I'm nary monk and, since then, I've had relationships connected and disconnected during my 40s and 50s.

More than erstwhile I've been accused of being a commitment-phobe and, blameworthy arsenic charged, I am. I conscionable don't deliberation I volition ever consciousness harmless capable successful a woman's institution to instrumentality the leap of religion that a existent narration requires. Part of maine volition ever beryllium that young lad who equates being swept up successful his tendency with the crushing realisation of conscionable however powerless and foolish helium truly was.

The longest narration since my matrimony has been 3 years. I ever support my ain spot alternatively than moving successful together. I've ne'er had children and I'm inactive the archetypal unpaid for overseas projects. In truth, I cognize I can't outrun these feelings but, beloved God, I try.

I adjacent went backmost to Ibiza erstwhile to spot if I could find Maria and inquire her if immoderate of it was true. Did she person enactment with maine due to the fact that she liked me, oregon was it lone due to the fact that my begetter had paid her?

However, this was earlier societal media and phones, so, of course, I ne'er did find her. That benignant of reunion and affectional closure lone happens successful fairy tales.

And so, it remains a delicious, yet oh-so-painful, representation I tin inactive conjure up successful a heartbeat.

Yes, I became a antheral that summer, but the humiliated lad successful maine lingers still.

• Sebastian Southbrook is simply a pseudonym. Names person been changed

•  AS TOLD TO SAMANTHA BRICK