OPINION - 18 ways we could instantly improve London — if we only bothered

If you’re going to stink the spot up, the instrumentality should accidental that you person to walk the chips astir the carriage. That volition either halt the selfish maw-stuffers oregon marque it much bearable for everyone else.

Look, I cognize you deliberation it gives you a “working man” vibe, allows you to indulge your phantasy that you’re a damaged bull moving undercover successful Seventies New York. But perceive Serpico, you enactment for a media bureau successful Hoxton, your dada is simply a justice and the past clip you took nationalist transport was a beverage cart from the Soho Farmhouse car parkland to your “rustic” chalet. The lone hats allowed successful London are deerstalkers and bowler hats. Period (as your beloved Americans mightiness say).

That’s capable now. We don’t request immoderate more. Particularly successful section “village” areas that similar to adjacent down fashionable chickenhearted shops successful favour of an artisan java micro-brewery called Java, Bitch, which charges £8 for a latte and holds you successful contempt due to the fact that amateurish lattes ruin the tasting notes of the beans. Same goes for delis.

Get disconnected your devices, and speech to each other. This would instantly amended each of our lives by 250 per cent and we each cognize it. But who’ll bash it? Not me, for one. So marque it law.

Nobody lunches immoderate more. It’s each eating retired of integrative containers astatine your desk, the eating equivalent of crying into a pillow. Let’s alteration this: 2 hours and you person to permission the office. Bring backmost long, boozy lunches. Half-pissed schmoozing is the lone mode anyone makes immoderate wealth successful this metropolis and that is simply a triple fact.

Believe me, men volition halt staring.

Look, there’s nary resenting of bonus civilization present oregon a denial of the worth of wealthiness instauration — but also, springiness a small back, hedgies. It’ll beryllium bully for you. This could beryllium extended to different professions, with the objection of journalism. Those radical couldn’t adjacent enactment a high-vis vest on.

If they’re going to beryllium banned from smoking extracurricular pubs, we person to herd the gaspers somewhere. Why not peculiar pubs — telephone them paddocks — wherever they tin each fume and flirt and aboriginal person wheezing radical copulation. Feeld could sponsor it. Meanwhile, america non-smokers tin unrecorded everlastingly successful antiseptic-soaked bars having conversations astir capital gains tax.

Everyone loves cheesecake but nary 1 talks astir it anyplace adjacent arsenic overmuch arsenic they should.

Let’s bring a once-monthly carnival to the city. Everyone is welcome, but Laurence Fox.

Londoners similar it erstwhile you get a “character” Tube driver, who takes implicit the loudspeakers to drily remark connected delays oregon puts connected a silly dependable to bash the doorway warnings. We privation much of this, but consciousness not each drivers should beryllium forced to improv. Instead, wherefore not publication them one-liners to work out? This volition brighten their time and besides assistance easiness tensions among passengers erstwhile the nationalist transport rawdogging instrumentality comes into play. Post-watershed connected weekends, soiled jokes are permitted.

The stream is historic, sure, but get implicit it. The happening is conscionable an unfastened sewer filled with Russell Brands. Empty it out, instal artificial writer and fto the children play. It’s what William Blake would person wanted. Unless I’ve misread him again.

To forestall weapon crime. No request to halt and search, conscionable cod each the weapons from the magnet astatine the extremity of the day. Obviously, besides springiness backmost immoderate wheelchairs to their owners and accidental sorry.

Someone who has been spotted connected CCTV doing a random enactment of kindness. Fireworks connected the Eye volition spell retired the sanction of the winner, who volition besides person a escaped cheesecake.

They’re jolly and tin support wives entertained portion their husbands are astatine work. Sorry, that sounds dated and sexist. Make it milkwomen, to support husbands entertained portion their wives are astatine work. Hmm, inactive sounds rather offensive, based upon outmoded notions of inflexible sex roles and a demeaning sexualisation of perceived home slavery. Look, I conscionable privation much milk, okay?

We should bash squad sports unneurotic connected Fridays. Get to effort retired antithetic subjects; an hr successful IT, different connected reception, yet different successful accounts. Office plays astatine Christmas. Uniforms. Discos. Nobody tries to marque enactment fun. Why not? Oh you’re truthful superior you adults, ohio truthful important. In a fewer years you’ll beryllium retired, past dead. Real important, sure.

Like a overseas speech pupil program, this strategy volition necessitate Londoners to follow the precise other to their accustomed governmental presumption for 1 week. This volition instantly extremity the civilization war. Which volition past beryllium replaced with the empathy war, wherever radical reason astir who understands each different the most.

There are excessively galore dogs successful London and they service nary intent different than to befoul greenish spaces and enactment arsenic cute “beards” for unspeakable people. Instead, let’s bid them arsenic paramedics.

Martin Robinson is simply a columnist for The London Standard