Feel like your honeymoon is over, Keir? From gravy trains to who should be sacked, here’s my 10-step guide to being PM

‘THE enactment of a Prime Minister is the loneliest occupation successful the world,’ said Stanley Baldwin, who did it 3 times betwixt 1923 and 1937.

And helium was right, due to the fact that successful the end, the eventual subordinate stops with the idiosyncratic residing astatine 10 Downing Street.

If you deliberation you’re having a stressful time astatine work, ideate being woken astatine 3am to beryllium asked if you privation to nonstop British troops into war?

But with specified dense work comes dense power, fame, and usually luck (post-office), which is wherefore truthful galore are hopeless to bash it.

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I’ve personally known 10 of our Prime Ministers – from Thatcher and Blair to Brown, Johnson and Sunak - and the instrumentality to doing it successfully is to recognize what 1 of their predecessors, Jim Callaghan, erstwhile told a communal acquaintance: ‘Being PM is similar being successful a stormy ocean, astatine archetypal you get deed by question aft question and consciousness helpless and retired of control, but aft a portion you realise it’s ever similar that, and larn to thrust the waves.’

I thought of this arsenic Sir Keir Starmer has reeled nether the onslaught of savagely antagonistic headlines.

He started well, with his firm handling of the summertime riots.

But since then, Starmer-bashing has go the nation’s favourite bloodsport and galore of his wounds, from axing the wintertime substance allowance to freebie-gate person been self-inflicted.

What helium needs is simply a spot of proposal from different PM with intimate cognition of what the occupation entails and the pitfalls to debar – me!

Here, then, is my ten-point PM Guide to Being PM:

1 - THINK OF TIMING

If I was Prime Minister, adjacent an imminent atomic onslaught connected Britain wouldn’t support maine distant from watching Arsenal, particularly if determination was a accidental I mightiness witnesser a nonstop deed connected Erling Haaland’s cocky bully-boy head.

Starmer’s a due Gooner who I’ve met astatine galore Arsenal games, and we regularly substance each different astir the nine we some love. Of people helium should inactive beryllium capable to spell to games, and it would beryllium intolerable to bash truthful from his regular seats.

BUT… accepting escaped Arsenal container tickets worthy thousands of pounds astatine the aforesaid clip arsenic you’re targeting mediocre susceptible pensioners for fiscal punishment is the worst optic imaginable.

I’m inactive incredulous that a caller Labour PM would marque that 1 of his archetypal decisions.

2 - NO MORE FREEBIES

Stop the freebie gravy bid – NOW!

It beggars content that aft each their halo-clad moralising astir greedy Tories filling their troughs with talented clobber, Starmer and astir of his furniture were themselves hoovering up everything from designer clothes to Taylor Swift tickets, and getting Lord Waheed ‘Santa Claus Ali to wage for seemingly everything including their lavish day parties.

If Labour apical brass support behaving similar two-faced charlatans implicit freebies, the nationalist volition acquisition them their P45s precise quickly.

3 - DELEGATE

Gordon Brown had the astir formidable quality of immoderate Prime Minister I’ve met, and an unthinkable enactment ethic. But helium took connected mode excessively overmuch himself, and obsessed implicit minutiae that helium should person passed onto others.

I retrieve being successful his Downing Street level precocious astatine nighttime arsenic helium scribbled pages of notes from our conversations. His strength and attraction to item was awesome but indispensable person been exhausting.

4 - HIRE TOP PEOPLE

Hire the champion radical successful your interior team. Starmer’s got a divisive and unpopular chief of unit successful Sue Gray who’s failed him dismally truthful acold and should beryllium sacked, helium has nary existent main backstage caput astatine all, and his furniture caput is leaving.

Those are 3 cardinal posts successful immoderate caller government. No wonderment Starmer’s struggling.

5 - BE DECISIVE

If you accidental you’re going to bash something, past bash it. Being PM is not a popularity contest, truthful don’t interest astir being liked. Focus your vigor alternatively connected delivering what you promised, and getting worldly done.

If your ideas were right, and you marque them work, you’ll extremity up being popular. If you were wrong, the nationalist volition footwear you retired anyway.

6 - SLEEP

Thatcher and Churchill famously lived disconnected conscionable 4-5 hours kip a night, but some believed successful powerfulness naps too. Most radical request astatine slightest 7 hours of sleep, peculiarly if they’re moving the country.

I’ve seen Prime Ministers erstwhile they’re knackered (Blair erstwhile yawned truthful overmuch erstwhile I saw him that I feared he’d locked his jaw out, though helium whitethorn conscionable person recovered maine precise dull!) and erstwhile they’re rested, and their staffers would archer maine the quality successful their performance/productivity levels was huge.

Nobody wants a zombie moving the state – conscionable inquire America!

7 - DON'T BE COMPLACENT

David Cameron lone agreed to the EU Referendum due to the fact that helium easy won the Scottish Independence referendum and conscionable assumed the aforesaid happening would hap again. Big mistake.

8 - EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED... BECAUSE IT WILL HAPPEN

When Harold Macmillan was asked to authorities the top situation for a PM, helium famously replied: 'Events, beloved boy, events'.

Some Prime Ministers emergence to the juncture magnificently, similar Thatcher erstwhile Argentina invaded the Falklands.

Others neglect america dismally, similar Boris ‘party-boy’ Johnson with the Covid pandemic. Don’t beryllium a Boris.

9 - AVOID HUBRIS

Tony Blair won 3 elections, but his lone bequest present is taking Britain into the disastrous amerciable Iraq War.

Why did helium bash it?

I retrieve him flying to Washington aft 9/11 to ‘stand shoulder-to-shoulder’ with the Americans and getting a lasting ovation successful the US Congress which made him preen similar a peacock.

He loved being fashionable successful the US and I’m convinced that’s wherefore helium couldn’t bring himself to bash the close happening implicit Iraq. Keep those peacock wings down.

10 - DON'T BE BULLIED BY THE MEDIA

Many PMs suck up to journalists (I inactive person the teat scars) but Lady Thatcher preferred carnal violence.

She erstwhile repeatedly jabbed maine hard successful the thorax aft I suggested involvement complaint rises were hurting mean people.

‘You don’t cognize what connected world you’re talking about, young man,’ she barked, ‘and I suggest you deliberation precise cautiously earlier putting immoderate of that nonsense successful your newspaper.’

HYPOCRITE HARRY IS AT IT AGAIN

Prince Harry’s been banging connected yet again astir intelligence health.

It takes a rather spectacular brass cervix to name yourself the unofficial Patron Saint of this contented erstwhile you’ve spent years deliberately damaging the intelligence wellness of your household with endless vicious nationalist tirades and smears that you cognize they can’t respond to.

But past Hypocrite Harry’s existent endowment is for ne'er practising what helium preaches.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Dale Vince, large Labour donor and world’s astir annoying vegan, wants the authorities to scrap compulsory nutrient and dairy successful schoolhouse meals.

But wherefore should we compel our kids to permission schoolhouse arsenic gaunt, pale-faced wastrels with anaemia, nervus damage, brittle bones and vitamin deficiencies – particularly if they extremity up arsenic whiny, censorious and boring arsenic Dale Vince?

AJ IS STILL A WINNER

Anthony Joshua got demolished by Daniel Dubois successful their large combat astatine Wembley, but arsenic I watched him get repeatedly knocked to the ground, and past someway support getting backmost connected his feet, my caput turned to my favourite movie speech, by Rocky Balboa to his snowflake son: ‘The satellite ain't each sunshine and rainbows. It's a precise mean and nasty spot and I don't attraction however pugnacious you are it volition bushed you to your knees and support you determination permanently if you fto it. You, me, cipher is gonna deed arsenic hard arsenic life. But it ain't astir however hard you hit. It's astir however hard you tin get deed and support moving forward. How overmuch you tin instrumentality and support moving forward. That's however winning is done!’

Joshua whitethorn person mislaid this fight, but erstwhile it comes to courage, he’s a winner.

SEEKING ATTENTION

Greta Thunberg was astatine a protestation rally successful Stockholm astatine the weekend, tunelessly bellowing: ‘Show maine what ideology looks like, amusement maine what powerfulness looks like…’

I couldn’t marque retired the remainder of it due to the fact that her squeaky dependable croaked into unintelligible gibberish.

Ironically, it would beryllium easier to amusement her what a spoiled attention-seeking brat who can’t sing looks like, and shriek: ‘How DARE you, Greta – YOU HAVE STOLEN MY EARDRUMS!’

A REAL MONSTER

When Mohamed Al Fayed died, I wrote astir the erstwhile Harrods proprietor for this paper, and said: ‘He was a flawed, analyzable antheral rather susceptible of being an egotistical dictatorial monster erstwhile it suited him.’

After the shocking revelations astir him successful the past week, exposing the despicable mode helium is alleged to person raped and abused truthful galore women, I’d similar to amend that condemnation to work simply: ‘He was a monster.’

PROUD TO BE BRITISH

I was successful the Oxfordshire countryside astatine the play for a pub luncheon enactment with a erstwhile premier minister, a popular star, a duchess, a princess, and a well-known TV husbandman whose close fist near a imperishable scar successful my caput (thanks again, Jeremy).

We were observed with a substance of excitement, fascination and successful immoderate cases, revulsion, by members of the nationalist sitting connected different tables successful the plot - similar we were penguins being fed successful a zoo.

But that was thing compared to the thrill I felt erstwhile I near and spied a Morris Dancer with a monolithic cheddar food connected his head, surrounded by bemused tourists.

God, it made maine truthful arrogant to beryllium British.

PANTS IDEA

My woman Celia informed maine that determination is simply a caller manner inclination of lacey, frilly underwear… for men.

‘You should effort it,’ she said, ‘… if you privation a divorce.’