SAUCY SECRETS: My lover does something so hurtful after sex and has no idea how much it bothers me. Now I've discovered so many men do it...

Dear Jana,

I request immoderate proposal astir my lover. He's kind, thoughtful and, honestly, the champion feline I've ever been with. But there's 1 happening that's starting to truly fuss me.

Every clip we person sex, helium gets consecutive up and goes to person a shower. We'll person conscionable had this truly intimate moment, and the adjacent happening I know, he's successful the bath leaving maine lying determination alone.

At first, I thought it was conscionable 1 of his quirks: he's a spot of a cleanable freak, truthful I figured it was his mode of feeling comfortable.

But now, a twelvemonth in, it's truly starting to get to me. I consciousness similar he's rejecting the infinitesimal oregon washing maine off. I've adjacent joked astir it and asked him to enactment for a bit, but helium conscionable says helium feels 'sticky' and needs to freshen up.

I cognize he's had a pugnacious clip with his ex, who cheated connected him, truthful possibly this is portion of however helium deals with intimacy. But it's making maine consciousness similar he's holding thing backmost from maine emotionally.

Am I overthinking this? Or is it just to privation a spot of closeness aft enactment earlier helium runs disconnected to scrub himself clean? I precocious recovered retired a batch of men bash this, but it doesn't marque it immoderate little hurtful.

Yours, Feeling a Bit Rejected.

Dear Feeling a Bit Rejected,

Oh, men and their weird enactment quirks! 

First off, fto maine reassure you that your feelings are arsenic valid arsenic a post-coital cuddle request. Sometimes it's the full crushed I bask sex, the feeling of intimacy afterwards arsenic you softly high-five each different for a bully show and bask successful each other's fabulousness. The sweat is benignant of portion of the magic, right?

So let's unpack this. Your fellow sounds similar a cleanable freak. Nothing incorrect with that, bless his hygienic heart, but the antheral needs to larn astir the beatified grail of post-sex rituals: the cuddle sesh.

Controversial opinion, but I deliberation it's conscionable arsenic important arsenic climaxing.

You've tried joking astir it (love your approach, by the way), but since Sir Scrub-a-Lot didn't instrumentality the hint, it's clip for a deeper convo. And, yes, this mightiness necktie into his past narration trauma. It's imaginable his ablution dash is his mode of keeping affectional walls up (a spot melodramatic, I know).

So here's your crippled plan: adjacent time, alternatively of joking, archer him consecutive up however it makes you feel. Be honest, but support it light. 'Hey, babe, erstwhile you dash to the shower, it leaves maine feeling a spot blah. I'd emotion it if you stayed a spot longer to snuggle.' 

I had to person a akin speech with a feline past twelvemonth who was a FWB. He would dash arsenic soon arsenic we finished our chamber gymnastics and it made maine consciousness similar rubbish. So 1 nighttime (admittedly, aft a fewer margaritas) I told him. 

And bless that antheral - present I person to footwear him retired for staying excessively long! So spot me, those somewhat awkward conversations work.

If he's a keeper (and from the dependable of it, helium is), he'll privation to conscionable you halfway. Maybe adjacent lure him with a compromise: 'Two minutes of snuggles, and I'll fto you shampoo guilt-free.'

And hey, if helium inactive insists connected the shower, wherefore not marque it a associated venture! A small 'water conservation' amusive mightiness crook his quirky post-sex wont into a bonding moment. Win-win, for you and the environment.

So no, you're not overthinking it. You're simply asking for intimacy. Communicate, cuddle - and support maine updated!

Dear Jana

I'm successful a spot of a mess. I'm 20 and person been with my missus for astir a twelvemonth now. I was punching supra my value and I cognize it. 

A mates of months ago, she asked maine to assistance her aunt hole her car's carburettor. Her aunt is 46 but looks large for her age, keeps herself acceptable and tidy. 

Anyway, I caput implicit aft work, hole the car, and she offers maine a beer. We extremity up having a spot of a league connected the beers and earlier I cognize it, she's spilling her guts astir however her bloke had done a runner. 

Next happening we're successful her bedroom, and, mate, it was next-level.

Now I consciousness similar a portion of s***. My missus has nary idea, and her aunt's acting mean astir her, but whenever I spot her, I get this knot successful my gut. What bash I do?

Do I travel cleanable and effort to mend things, oregon bash I support my rima unopen and unreal it ne'er happened? I emotion her but I don't cognize if I tin grip feeling similar a heap of canine s***.

Cheers, Anonymous.

Alright, Anonymous.

Buckle up due to the fact that present comes the arguable take. You're successful a motivation minefield, but ne'er fear, I'm going to assistance you halt blowing everything up.

To enactment it bluntly, support your pastry spread shut!

Confessing mightiness look similar the noble happening to do, but is it really? Let's deliberation astir this rationally.

If you archer your girlfriend, you're not conscionable unburdening yourself, you're besides mounting disconnected a weaponry that volition wreck her trust, her narration with her aunt, and apt the narration betwixt you two.

That's a triple-whammy nary 1 asked for. All due to the fact that your pecker got a small over-excited.

Now, keeping it a concealed isn't astir sweeping it nether the rug and pretending it didn't happen. It's astir taking responsibility, silently. 

You consciousness similar a heap of canine s***? Good. Sit with that. Use it arsenic information to go a amended partner. Double down connected being the fellow your woman deserves. Treat her truthful good she'd ne'er adjacent ideate you could screw up this badly.

The astir important portion of this 'keep it quiet' strategy? Cut each ties with the aunty. 

No beers, nary carburettors, nary nothing. She's off-limits from present connected out. You crossed a line, and the lone mode to guarantee this ne'er happens again is to make immoderate superior distance.

Listen, Anonymous, this isn't an casual path; it requires discipline, self-awareness and a willingness to transportation the value of your mistake without dumping it connected anyone else. 

But sometimes, the 'honesty is the champion policy' mantra conscionable creates chaos, and frankly, your woman doesn't merit to person her satellite blown up due to the fact that you couldn't defy the lure of a MILF.

So, nary confession. Instead, perpetrate to being better. And fto this guilt beryllium the slap successful the look you needed to never, ever screw up similar this again.

Not everyone volition hold with this take, but hey, relationships and beingness are messy. Handle with care.

Dear Jana,

I'm turning 39 successful a fewer months, and the thought of being azygous astatine 40 is making maine panic a bit. 

I've been with my fellow for astir 2 years now. He's a bully feline - kind, stable, makes maine laugh. My friends each deliberation I'm fortunate to person him, and honestly, I cognize they're right.

But here's the thing... I don't consciousness fireworks.

I was joined successful my precocious 20s, and it ended severely aft I discovered helium was cheating with a colleague. Since then, I've been connected immoderate catastrophe dates. I've dated ghosters, commitment-phobes, and 1 feline who 'forgot' helium was inactive married.

When my fellow came along, helium felt similar a enactment of caller air. He ticks truthful galore boxes and my household loves him. But heavy down, I sometimes consciousness we're conscionable 'fine'.

I can't fig retired if I'm overthinking it due to the fact that I've been burned before, oregon if I'm settling due to the fact that I'm frightened of being alone. What if I fto him spell and ne'er find idiosyncratic arsenic bully arsenic him again? What if I clasp retired for a 'spark' and extremity up regretting it?

Dan's been hinting astir moving successful together, and I've been dodging the speech due to the fact that I consciousness truthful torn. He deserves idiosyncratic who's each in, but I'm not definite if that's me.

Am I sabotaging a bully happening due to the fact that of my past? Or should I spot my gut and hazard it each for the accidental of thing more?

Jess.

Oh, girl.

First of all, instrumentality a heavy enactment – we've each been there, and spot me, it's infuriating to consciousness this way.

You've got the feline who ticks the boxes, but those pesky fireworks are obscurity to beryllium found. If lone we could prime and take who we could marque our bosom flutter for. I would beryllium joined to the astir gloriously benignant antheral close present if that were possible.

So, fto maine commencement by saying kudos for acknowledging your gut feelings. That's wherever the answers usually lie, but sometimes our guts get a small noisy with past baggage and societal unit (damn you, societal pressures! *waves fist successful the air*). 

Let's instrumentality a 2nd to abstracted the two.

You've been done the wringer: a cheating ex-husband, and guys who had nary concern going connected dates with you. It's nary wonderment you've enactment stableness connected a pedestal. 

But there's a quality betwixt appreciating stableness and settling for 'just fine'. In (possibly the champion TV amusement of each time) Ted Lasso, Roy Kent offers Rebecca immoderate candid proposal astir her relationship:

'You merit idiosyncratic who makes you consciousness similar you've been struck by f***ing lightning. Don't you situation settee for fine.'

Oh, however I emotion this quote! It highlights the value of seeking a narration that genuinely excites and fulfills you, alternatively than settling for mediocrity. I would alternatively beryllium azygous than beryllium with idiosyncratic who you conscionable consciousness a spot 'meh' about.

But I would similar to adhd 1 much happening to that statement. You besides merit a emotion that feels similar home, not 1 that makes you wonderment 'what if' each different day. Someone who you can't hold to see.

That said, let's not romanticise the spark. Fireworks slice - that's conscionable elemental biology. What's near erstwhile the glitter settles is simply a existent partnership.

You request the 3 important ticks: trust, shared values, and idiosyncratic who makes you consciousness seen. Your spouse seems to cheque those boxes, which is simply a large deal.

But let's beryllium real: if heavy down you cognize this isn't enough, you beryllium it to some of you to beryllium honest. 

Staying with idiosyncratic retired of fearfulness - fearfulness of being azygous astatine 40, fearfulness of not uncovering anyone 'as nice' - is simply a one-way summons to resentment town. And spot me, you don't privation to unpack your bags there.

Before making immoderate large moves (like dodging different moving-in chat), person a brutally honorable speech with yourself. Are you torn due to the fact that you're frightened of what's retired there, oregon due to the fact that you cognize this isn't your forever? 

If it's the former, thin into therapy (highly urge it!) oregon self-reflection to unpack your past wounds. If it's the latter, beryllium brave capable to locomotion distant and spot that your 'right person' volition amusement up.

Your fella deserves idiosyncratic who's each in, and you merit a narration that doesn't permission you questioning your ain gut. 

Sometimes the spark we're chasing isn't an explosion, it's a slow, dependable pain that feels conscionable right. But if this doesn't adjacent consciousness similar that? Then it's clip to halt dodging and commencement deciding.

Good luck, Jess. Either way, spot yourself. You've survived worse, and the azygous beingness tin really beryllium beauteous darn fabulous!