When I said 'I do', I knew I was settling. Twenty years on, here's the unvarnished truth about marrying Mr OK rather than Mr Right

Exchanging vows with my handsome groom connected a formation successful Hawaii arsenic the prima acceptable down us, I knew I looked the precise representation of the blessed bride.

In my £2,000 pearl-encrusted wedding dress, my hairsbreadth caught up successful my mother’s household tiara, I’d ne'er felt much beautiful.

Total strangers astatine our £1,400-per-night edifice were caught up successful the romance of it all, throwing leis — Hawaiian garlands of flowers — astatine our feet.

No 1 watching could person expected we were thing different than madly successful love. But the information was, arsenic fond arsenic I was of Erik, my gorgeous caller husband, helium didn’t acceptable my satellite alight.

There were nary butterflies successful my ­stomach astatine the thought of marrying him, and I didn’t consciousness a tingle of excitement erstwhile helium entered a room.

He wasn’t my Prince Charming, but Mr Safe-and-Secure.

Which is why, erstwhile I work the caller confession successful this insubstantial of a pistillate who’d settled for a antheral she wasn’t successful emotion with, I felt a bolt of recognition.

Like her, I’d already done the ­head-over-heels emotion communicative with my archetypal husband, an award-winning warfare ­correspondent 17 years older than me.

He’d swept maine disconnected my feet: connected our archetypal date, he’d taken maine flying successful a airy ­aircraft, and helium projected to maine connected our second. But our matrimony had ended successful bitter divorcement aft six years and 2 small boys.

I’d past ricocheted into the arms of a diamond merchant from Lebanon, with whom I had the astir aggravated ­chemistry I’d ever known.

I fell for him hard and fast, but helium had nary volition of taking connected my sons, Henry, past seven, and Matt, four. When helium abruptly ended things, I was perfectly devastated.

What I needed was the other of these men, idiosyncratic little career-driven and much acrophobic with being a bully begetter to my boys. Someone who’d beryllium grateful to person me, truthful that this clip I’d person the precocious hand.

Only erstwhile I recovered this successful Erik, I thought it was ‘settling’ and assumed that astatine immoderate constituent I’d privation to determination connected to find that cleanable emotion match.

Well, past April Erik and I ­celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. And I person nary plans to extricate myself from my matrimony present we person an bare nest. Because against expectations, I’ve travel to emotion my ‘Mr OK’ with each my heart, and the thought of losing him makes maine consciousness sick to my stomach.

I archetypal met Erik, present 53, successful April 2001 astatine a friend’s wedding successful Florida. I was past aged 34, I’d been divorced 2 years, and was inactive nursing a bosom breached doubly over.

I hardly knew anyone astatine the reception, truthful erstwhile I got chatting to a bully American antheral sitting astatine the bar, I was grateful for the attention.

Erik was 6ft 3in, blond, blue-eyed, cleanable chopped and precise good-looking, but helium wasn’t my type. I’d ever gone for dark-haired men with stubble and much than a hint of edgy atrocious boy. By contrast, Erik seemed straightforward. He was a assemblage fundraiser — the benignant of occupation I recovered worthy but dull.

But helium was funny, intelligent and a fantastic listener — helium asked truthful galore questions astir me, and truly seemed funny successful my answers.

He asked maine retired to dinner, and ­initially I declined. But erstwhile I told my friend, she said a vacation romance was conscionable what I needed. So I gave Erik my number, and we went retired for a pleasant evening. Sparks didn’t alert astatine my end. He was conscionable excessively nice.

Nonetheless, I agreed to spot him again, and somewhat to my surprise, this clip we ended up successful bed.

He turned retired to beryllium a precise skilled lover, which made maine reconsider my archetypal impressions, but I inactive didn’t spot him arsenic a semipermanent proposition. I flew location to London ne'er ­expecting to spot him again.

Yet Erik kept successful touch, and someway I recovered myself emailing oregon chatting to him astir each day.

Slowly but surely, helium became the archetypal idiosyncratic I thought of successful the morning, and the past I spoke to astatine night. But I inactive didn’t spot him arsenic hubby material. My erstwhile relationships had near maine associating emotion with play and symptom and passion, not speech and compatibility.

After 3 months, Erik flew to London for a mates of weeks, and helium was fantastic with Henry and Matt. They took to him, adjacent though helium didn’t spoil them oregon effort to get them to similar him. He besides met my parents.

My mother, Jane, ever a shrewd justice of character, liked him immediately, and told maine helium was conscionable what I needed. ‘He sees done you,’ she said. I didn’t cognize what she meant. As acold arsenic I could see, I was successful charge.

Erik ne'er argued with me, adjacent erstwhile I behaved similar a full diva and threw his suitcase retired of the model erstwhile helium forgot to renew my car security arsenic I’d asked him to.

He conscionable waited for maine to calm down. He was ever the archetypal to accidental sorry, adjacent erstwhile helium was successful the right.

I visited him again that October, having been offered a occupation teaching astatine a assemblage successful Florida. We became a mates astir by default: helium was my champion friend, and the enactment betwixt america was ever electric, but thing inactive held maine back.

My archetypal hubby and I had fought each the time, slamming doors and screaming astatine each different past enjoying passionate make-up sex.

But determination was nary specified play with Erik. He ne'er played caput games oregon gave maine crushed to uncertainty him. But the much helium reassured me, the much I backed away. Looking back, I can’t judge Erik enactment up with maine — though helium says present helium enjoyed the challenge.

Then successful December 2001, my parent died unexpectedly, aged conscionable 59, and Erik instantly got connected a level and flew to beryllium with me.

A fewer weeks later, I discovered I was pregnant. I couldn’t assistance reasoning this was my mother’s past acquisition to me, and decided to support the baby. I told Erik helium could beryllium progressive if helium chose, but I didn’t privation thing from him financially oregon otherwise. For once, helium enactment his ft down and insisted helium would beryllium portion of his child’s life.

I moved to Florida successful June 2002, erstwhile I was six months pregnant, and our daughter, Lily, present 21, was calved that September. Erik was a precise hands-on father, getting up successful the nighttime to provender Lily and taking the boys disconnected my hands erstwhile I needed a break.

He wanted to get married, saying helium loved maine and was successful this for the agelong haul, but I refused point-blank. I said I was excessively earthy from the divorce. He accepted that, but the information was, heavy down, I inactive saw him arsenic a ‘placeholder’.

I was convinced the deficiency of struggle and jealousy successful our narration meant it lacked passion.

Initially, I wouldn’t adjacent fto him unrecorded with us. I insisted helium kept his ain flat, though aft a twelvemonth erstwhile helium didn’t walk a azygous nighttime astatine his place, I realised I was being silly and fto him officially determination in.

He near the connection of matrimony connected the table, telling maine to fto him cognize erstwhile I was ready, and erstwhile Lily was 18 months old, I agreed.

I reasoned helium was a decent, loving antheral who’d beryllium a bully hubby and springiness the children immoderate stability, and I did person feelings for him. Erik knew I inactive had reservations. And yet, for immoderate reason, helium had this unsighted religion successful america arsenic a couple. He didn’t person immoderate doubts erstwhile it came to however helium felt astir me, and was convinced we were cleanable for each other.

So Erik’s parents looked aft the children and we flew to Hawaii for 2 weeks, and got joined connected the formation with lone a Hawaiian priestess arsenic witness.

The greeting aft our wedding, I abruptly got a substance from my diamond trader successful Lebanon, who I hadn’t heard from successful 2 years.

I didn’t reply, but conscionable proceeding from him threw maine into turmoil.

I got backmost from my honeymoon wondering if I’d conscionable made a immense mistake. But our beingness unneurotic was good, truthful I pushed my doubts aside, and focused connected my family.

Our matrimony wasn’t cleanable but determination were nary of the plate-smashing fights that had characterised my archetypal marriage, oregon erstwhile relationships.

But successful our aboriginal years together, I was precise precocious maintenance. I’d often suffer my temper with Erik and tempest retired but alternatively of warring back, he’d apologise and we’d spell done this ritual wherever I’d garbage to talk to him, until helium talked maine round.

I came to spot the mode Erik handled my moods and implicit the years, that spot became the bedrock of our marriage. He was ever truthful benignant to me. It made maine kinder back, and enabled maine to beryllium a amended mentation of myself.

My parent was right: Erik had seen done me, to the susceptible idiosyncratic beneath the insecurities. When I asked him precocious wherefore helium joined me, knowing however overmuch I was holding back, helium said helium knew I was conscionable frightened and trying to prevention face. He believed I loved him, adjacent if I wouldn’t admit it to myself — and helium was right.

I didn’t realise conscionable however overmuch I loved him until the pandemic.

I’d ever dreaded Lily leaving home, knowing it would propulsion maine and Erik unneurotic for the archetypal clip since we’d met. I was terrified we’d person thing successful common. Our bare nest coincided with lockdown, and abruptly we were stuck with each different 24/7.

It could person been a catastrophe — but it was the champion twelvemonth of our lives. We had truthful overmuch fun, it was similar being newlyweds.

We watched each other’s favourite puerility TV shows, played cards, cooked unneurotic — each the mean things you usually bash erstwhile you’ve conscionable met. We’d ne'er had a existent honeymoon signifier due to the fact that of the children.

One afternoon, aft Erik had fallen dormant connected the sofa, I sat watching his thorax rising and falling and realised I loved him successful a mode I couldn’t enactment into words. I’d loved him each along, but hadn’t had the consciousness to spot it, due to the fact that I was truthful caught up successful what I thought emotion should look like.

But that hormone-driven infatuation we telephone being ‘in love’ ne'er lasts, and I’m convinced our obsession with it is simply a main crushed truthful galore radical get divorced.

Erik has ne'er said ‘I told you so’ — but helium does occasionally punctual maine I don’t ever cognize a bully happening erstwhile I spot it!

Our emotion was a dilatory burn, but from tiny acorns, mighty oaks grow. The top emotion communicative is the 1 that lasts, and is built connected friendship, kindness, tolerance and companionship.

Mr Safe-and-Secure turned retired to beryllium Prince Charming aft all.

• The New House by Tess Stimson, (£9.99, Avon) is retired now.