‘You do things to impress…’: Ananya Panday on changing herself for love; expert’s take on compromise vs losing self-identity

She continued to bespeak connected a past narration wherever she realised that she changed herself for the idiosyncratic she was dating. “We each person a small bit. I person been successful a narration wherever I person changed myself a lot, but not to the constituent that it turned bad… You bash things to impressment successful the opening of a narration and you don’t realise however overmuch you are changing for your partner,” she admitted. 

While it’s earthy to compromise and accommodate successful a partnership, Panday’s reflection raises an important question: When does compromising for a spouse statesman to impact your consciousness of individuality and self-worth?

Gurleen Baruah, existential psychotherapist astatine That Culture Thing, tells indianexpress.com, “Compromising successful a narration is often misunderstood. While each healthy partnership requires compromises from some sides, issues originate erstwhile 1 spouse consistently gives up much than the other.” 

Baruah adds that this imbalance tin impact their consciousness of individuality and self-worth. One of the archetypal signs is simply a nonaccomplishment of autonomy — erstwhile your decisions nary longer consciousness similar your ain but are shaped by your partner’s preferences. “Alongside this, you mightiness commencement to consciousness taken for granted. When your efforts to compromise spell unnoticed oregon unappreciated, it tin foster feelings of being undervalued, particularly if your spouse doesn’t amusement the aforesaid willingness to conscionable you halfway.”

Some radical alteration themselves to delight their spouse because, heavy down, they mightiness beryllium seeking validation oregon support (Source: Freepik)

Another concerning motion is the gradual erosion of respect successful the relationship. If your boundaries oregon needs are consistently dismissed, it tin spot distant astatine your assurance and permission you questioning your worth. This often creates a dynamic wherever you consciousness little similar an adjacent spouse and much similar idiosyncratic whose relation is to accommodate, careless of the idiosyncratic cost.

On a intelligence level, repeated imbalances tin pb to self-concept erosion, says Baruah,  wherever you suffer show of who you are extracurricular the relationship. You mightiness besides acquisition cognitive dissonance — the interior struggle that arises erstwhile your actions struggle with your values oregon desires. 

Why bash immoderate radical thin to alteration themselves to delight their partner?

Some radical alteration themselves to delight their spouse because, heavy down, they mightiness beryllium seeking validation oregon approval, notes Baruah. “It often stems from debased self-esteem oregon a content that they request to beryllium idiosyncratic ‘better’ oregon much likable to merit love. Sometimes, it’s astir wanting to impressment their spouse oregon trying to acceptable into their world, reasoning that mirroring their interests oregon behaviours volition make a stronger bond. This tin besides hap with anxious attachment styles, wherever there’s a fearfulness of rejection oregon abandonment. In specified cases, radical whitethorn cling oregon over-adapt, hoping to debar struggle oregon loss.”

Another furniture to this is not having a beardown consciousness of self. Baruah explains that erstwhile idiosyncratic hasn’t afloat explored who they are oregon what they basal for, it’s casual to mold themselves to lucifer a partner’s expectations. “This isn’t ever conscious — it mightiness consciousness similar they’re conscionable being flexible oregon accommodating—but implicit time, it tin pb to a nonaccomplishment of authenticity.”

What to do

Baruah suggests that regaining one’s authentic aforesaid “starts with self-awareness.” Asking questions like, “Who americium I extracurricular this relationship? What makes maine blessed oregon fulfilled?” tin assistance reconnect with their halfway identity. It’s besides astir knowing the basal of this pattern. Are they trying to debar conflict? Do they fearfulness being alone? Recognizing these drivers tin marque it easier to code them.

Another measurement is mounting tiny boundaries. Saying nary to things that don’t align with one’s values oregon preferences is simply a mode to rebuild one’s consciousness of agency. “Open communication is besides important — sharing thoughts and feelings without fearfulness of judgement helps reenforce the thought that 1 is valued for who they are, not for who they effort to be,” stresses Baruah.

Baruah concludes, “Reconnecting with hobbies, interests, and radical who punctual them of their existent aforesaid tin besides supply a consciousness of grounding and independence.”